Preface to: consciousness
The book is divided into two sections: Emotional maturity – part two. And emotional hurt – part one.
Part one: emotional maturity:
There is a difference between the body and the emotions – reaching maturity and full development. The body reaches full functioning maturity up to a certain age, the emotions, on the other hand, do not evolve automatically and they remain in an undeveloped state, even till the end of one’s life.
The emotions need to go through a particular process in order to go come from a raw state chaos and consumption to a state of inner organization and a balanced function.
When there is threat or actually a danger, or when we are attacked – we react in one of two ways; either we attack back (verbally or nonverbally), or we are lowering our profile, give up, trying to please. Both are the two opposite poles (or vectors) of the emotionally infantile – level. But there is also the emotionally mature level, there one reacts from the third vector, the neutral, the unbiased – vector; he is assertive, he can navigate his emotions, and this is completely the opposite to the other two (the positive and negative vectors) who are subjects, and biased, each, to their emotional polarity. He can decide if give up or stand on own his own, he has got a choice – for the emotionally infantile there is no choice, their emotional polarization decides for them, the emotionally mature does not have to react, he reacts if finds it the right thing to do, and this is in contrary to the emotionally infantile he reacts, first the emotion (aggressive or regressive) bursts out and only then he
Now, from the standpoint of the penetration of the \stimuli to the emotional system, the identification gives to the negative stimuli power of movement (it exhilarates it) – and by that allows it to enter into the emotional system. Witho\ut this identification – the stimuli would have remained outside. The stimuli (the hurt emotion) could have been created by someone close betrayed our trust, or someone criticizing us, or is answering us in a rude and demeaning way.
The identification causes the entering of a negative (hurting) stimuli to become overcharged. At first stage their effect on the emotional system is of a chaos; as a fox entering a chicken coop. At the second stage the emotions become locked, all freezes and the person becomes disconnected from himself and from a dynamic communication with the other. This state of being locked and then disconnection – is called: personal involvement.
So, the power of the inner echo in the emotional chambers (in response to negative stimuli) – is being created more because of the degree and power of our identification rather than the power of the negative stimuli itself.
So, if we have from one hand a powerful negative stimuli with weak identification – we don’t get much personal involvement, but if from the other hand –we get a weak stimuli and a powerful identification – what we get is a huge personal involvement.
And so, if a person gets into emotional mini crisis (personal involvement) – as a result of a strong echo of the emotions in response to a negative stimuli – It is almost never because of a very negative reason, as for the power the identification with it.
Identification causes us to get lost in the negative stimuli that threatens our emotional peace. We cease to be an entity which is intricate and autonomic and what takes us over is over involvement with the emotional threat (negative stimuli).
Because of over identification with emotional threats (from other people) – we became a musical instrument for this threats and they are playing on us and we echo them with all our might. In fact almost every stimuli is causes us to identify with the positive or negative aspect, but the identification with the negative aspect is always more traumatic as for its influence in our emotional system.
But the news is that the person has got a choice; he doesn’t have to identify, to be involved, and to get lost in the negative stimuli. He can disconnect the power flow, not to let the stimulation have power and by that to eliminate it from being so destructive. Instead of getting near the stimuli and be swallowed it – he can distance himself; create a distance between him and the negative stimuli.
And so, in order to prevent the ‘echo’ and to leave the stimuli on the level of ‘knock’ only (no echo).
What is creating damage is the inner vibration, the echo of the blow and not the blow itself. It I lacking the ability to do harm. It is us who supply the Trojan horse (identification) that allows the blow to turn an inner echo (personal involvement).
This choosing ability is a female (Ying) choice, and it is different from the male (Yang) choice, this one is connected to startup, to initiate, to ignite, to be in effort, to push, to give something – power. Whereas the female choice is to be able to refrain, to stay cool and uninvolved; not to give to anything – power.
The male freedom of choice is moving in space of the external game, whereas the female freedom of choice is moving in the space of the inner game.
The external game is between man and the environment, the internal game is between the person and himself.
Our culture encourages the male freedom of choice, and hardly encourages the female freedom of choice. And so, in our cutler it is easier for a man to actualize possibilities of choice that it is for women.
Part three- state two, the expression of emotions outside.
We have seen in state A that the danger which is lurking for a man that is not ‘operating’ emotional management – is to be trapped in personal involvement. In state B the danger is the speeding and the heating up of the emotions.
In state A the person needs not to identify with his response to the negative stimuli in its journey inside, and to let it die from lack of nourishment.
Also in state B he should not identify with a negative emotion and to let it go out without giving it power and charge from our personal involvement.
In the western culture there is no encouragement for the expression of emotions or for admitting that you are influenced by them and that in your evaluations and decisions there is no room for emotions. And this is from a dim understanding of something right: not to let the emotions to sweep the person into their whirlpool, but this is by a wrong and extreme translation of the correct understanding.
The wrong translation is the execution of emotional repression, when at the same time correct translation is to modify and restrain the extreme expression of emotion.
Above the surface – both; also repression and modification could be perceived as the same; but this is on the surface, inside, in the inner life – the difference could be great indeed.
Indeed the cultural address of the emotions has a right, yet, blurred feeling about the end product, which is: having control over the emotions, not to let them go wild, rave beyond a certain boundary. But the mistake is not in the knowing how the final appearance of the emotions should look like, but what is the road that leads there.
The western culture, and especially its higher ranks and statues, senses that raving and over excitement of the emotions – disturb and flatness the workings of the brain and the mind. And it is true by principle, but there is no existing knowledge and a knowhow as to how to execute it, and in the absence of this we fake it, put a mask of no emotions – on, and inside they keep repressing.
When talked about poles (like the emotional poles – in here, but also any two opposite poles on the same level – nerve, sexual, and mental) – the problem is: how to come to the right balance so that the two poles (negative and positive) would work together (and not against each other). Always the easy and worst solution is to let one pole (usually, the positive pole) full operative freedom, on the account of the other pole. Instead of dynamic synergy – giving dominance to the positive, male, Yang – pole on the account of the other (Ying pole).
Every attempt to develop people above the level of averageness, from one hand, and the attempt to cause a meeting between him and his inner life – must decrease the over activity and dominance of the positive pole, and this in order to allow a better work of the opposite (Ying) pole.
But instead of modifying the positive pole we repress and crush the negative, Ying – pole.
Two things contribute to the wrong imbalance in the emotions; 1. Over dominance of the positive pole, and 2. Annihilation and crushing of the negative female pole. When, I fact, a reversal of polarities should happen; the negative pole should be more charged, while the positive pole will be much less dominant.
But the over dominance of the positive pole (mainly, through the expression of negative (unpleasant emotions) and the suppression of the negative pole – bring about a mentality which is: rigid, dry, flat and lacking vitality and intuition, and the soul becomes locked and with no ability to communicate.
But, there is no need to erase any expression of negative (unpleasant) emotions, such as: disappointment, hostility, anger, grievance and the like – but only to modify and restrain their volume and extremes. The reason for why we tend (basically- males) to erase any expression of extreme emotion more easily than modifying it – is simply because it is much more difficult to modify an extreme than to erase it completely; The passage from one extreme to the other – is easier than the passage from one end – to the middle, because for that we need sensitivity, awareness, attention and an ability for inner control.
To conclude:
The emotions are in a state of chaos most of the time; every negative stimuli is entering in and (by identification) could put the person in and in an emotional crisis (personal involvement). This is from the outside in. and from the inside out – any negative emotion that is expressed outside in a maximum volume – causes a destructive heating of the emotional system. This two is surfacing to the mental system a kind of emotional steam the causes fog in it, and from the other hand – it locks the inner being in a protective dunging.
And now to deepening and widening of those concepts, and in order to do that there are two models: A. the three stages on the way to dynamic. And B, the golden ratio.
Part four, the three stages on the way to dynamic:
Here is the place to expose an important concept in the context of emotional management. The name of the concept is: dynamic. When there is no dynamic – nothing happens and when there is – everything happens, for good or for bad, depending which dynamic it is: positive (good) or negative (bad) – dynamic.
Any dynamic is evolving in 3 stages:
- Discrete or manual – separate distinct unites; physical stage.
- Groups, or mechanical – happens in leaps, in intervals; magnetic stage.
- A flow, or dynamic – automatic, happens by itself, feeds itself, a continuous and ongoing process; electrical stage.
In stage A. (Discrete) there are unites which accumulate – slowly.
In stage B. (groups) there no unites, now, only groups (this is faster than stage 1).
In stage C. (flow) the groups join into one continuous movement. A dynamic stage.
An example: in the process of emotional hurt, stage A is getting hurt, stage B. is the identification and stage C. is personal involvement.
Another example: a couple; first stage is disagreement, second stage is taking it personally, and the third (dynamic) stage is emotional argument (full of blames and being hurt).
In both states; negative emotions are out and negative stimuli in – both are not good for the higher parts in us, they poison our emotions, slowly but surely. A person who wants to prevent the third stage (dynamic) must stop the negative process must stop it at the first stage; Discrete, for this is the awareness stage (before it moves on to the third state and thus became completely unconscious), and here there is still control.
The second stage (mechanics) is already a semi-conscious level, here the person begins to loose knowing as to what is going on him. The last stage is out of our control completely, and because it is unconscious (and thus not felt or registered by the person) – the person is not aware that the negative emotion (such as: hurt, being blamed, attacked, etc.) is continues to spin and get stronger and so bring about most damage (this is only about negative dynamic, for in positive dynamic it is exactly the opposite; it brings about the most benefit).
A man that wishes to manage his emotions must stop any negative dynamic at the first stage; discrete, meaning: before it gets into inertia and thus becomes semi-conscious and then – unconscious.
The problem about the entering of a negative stimuli is that we cannot block it because we do not have an immune system…
In state A. when a negative stimuli threatens to enter the emotional system, the desired response should be to block it before it enters into the second – ‘group’ stage. When referring to ‘immune system’ of the emotions – practically it refers to methods of guided imagery, (one of them is imagining a wall between the negative stimuli and the emotions. And there are more technics).
In state B. when an expression of a negative emotions is loud, extreme and hot, the person has to get out of the picture and cease to give it power, and then it will not pass into the second stage (groups) and will remain in the unaharmful state A. (and then it will evaporate by itself in a short while.
But why it is so difficult to stop the process in the interval between state A. and state B. – well the answer, again, is: identification. It acts as a catalyst for the separate unites in stage A. that are now speeded up into the ‘groups’ stage and then the inertia is so strong – that it reaches the dynamic stage very quickly, and then it moves by itself in a perpetuum mobile, not much could be done at this stage.
Stopping the distructive process in the interval between stage A. and stage B- means stopping it in one third of the way, and when the ‘thirds’ subject (or the 30%) comes into the picture – we arrive at the ‘Golden ratio’.
Part five, the ‘Golden Ratio‘:
Stopping a process at one third of the way is obeying an ancient principle; the Golden Ration, or the golden rectangle,
it is also called: the golden mean or golden section, Other names include extreme, medial section, divine proportion, divine section, golden proportion, golden cut, and golden number.
It is simply a proportion which divides the body, or space, or a process – to two unequal parts; one part is one third and the other is two thirds.
Scholars and researchers found out that the Golden ratio appears in many nature phenomenon. It could be seen when looking at the number of petals in a rose bush; it was found out that the proportion between the arrangements of the petals in the outer line – is in a Golden ratio to the line which is before.
If we look at a sunflower we can see that the seeds are arranged in a circular structure which is arranged in a Golden ratio. When looking at spiral structure of a nautilus shell
We can find the Golden ratio between one spiral to another.
There are paintings in which the painters use dimensions which remind the Golden ratio, for example: “the sacrament of the last supper” – by Salvador Dali; the ratio of the dimensions of Dali’s Sacrament of the Last Supper is equal to the golden ratio.
Also in music there is a claim, that musical sound are sounded more harmonious to the human ear – create musical intervals that has the Golden ratio.
This ratio could be found in ancient buildings such as the Parthenon.
The logarithmic spiral (θ = (π/2log(φ)) × log r) is representing the Golden ratio
This spiral (representing the Golden ratio) appears in many fields: Geometry, Botanic, in the formation of crystals, in the arrangement of the leaves around the stem, in the location of the seeds in an apple, in a pinecone, in deer horns.
A use of a Golden rectangle is architecture could be found in the U.N. building in N.Y. the proportion between its height (152 meters) and its widest (95 meters), this is a proportion of 1.621 which is very close to the Golden proportion.
The golden division is only one of three possible divisions:
- Dominant division.
- Static division.
- Dynamic division.
- The dominant division: this is when one side has got more than 70% and the other side has got less than 30%. The greater are the gaps between the two – so one side will be more dominant and the other side is dominated), the weak side is being ‘swallowed’ by the strong side. (But the dominant side wants to ‘swallow’ completely the weak side, and so we are left with only one triangle instead of two).
- The static division: this is being combined by two equal halves, one is blocking the other, and we have here a status quo. This equation is demonstrated by the seal of Solomon (David’s shield, in Hebrew). This is a ‘cold war’, or: passive aggressive.
C. A dynamic division: here we have exactly the division of 2/3rd and 1/3rd – this is a situation of dynamic synergy. The smaller side allows the greater side to flow but not to take over. This is the situation in a dialogue and a conversational flow. Ideally, the person who speaks gets 2/3rd s and the other person is listening, so he is active only by one third. And, ideally, when the transmitter finished to talk – he passes it to the listener and then they reverse in the proportions. The symbol for the dynamic phase is the Pentagram (which is in the middle of every apple.
We can see in the symbol above that the ratio between the blue lines and the red lines is equal to the Gold ratio (the blue portion is having 2/3rd from the length of the red portion. It is also the case between the blue and the green and between the green and the purple.
The problem with us is that we cannot hold the stick at both ends in a dynamic proportion of one third and two thirds, only in the static proportion (50% and 50%) which is a deadlock, or when the larger side ‘swallows’ the smaller side. And when he is in the golden ratio – a gate is open for him to the next level.
Only in the interval between the discrete level and the groups level – can the negative process be turns into a positive one.
To conclude:
The Golden ratio in a management of negative emotions says that the person should stop the negative process at the first third of the way and then he can turn it to a positive spiral, a growing spiral.
In this essay the Golden ratio was mentioned by various examples, but it is most important is how it apeares in the human system; the wish should be the the human system will be open for a flow, to dynamic, to energy which should pass through all levels. The 2/3rd s should be Ying, female, by nature, and the 1/3rd should be male (Yang), for if the two thirds are male orientated – the flow is topped.
On the planet and in the human complex – the law is a female law, everything flows, so the 2/3rd s should always be feminine. The male aspect – pushes forward, and female aspect is in reception and support. Allowances and the giving of space – are feminine. What exists usually is that male aspect is reaching 90% of the process, (while the female aspect is only in by 10% only, and then there is no flow, all flow is blocked.
living with the ‘shadow‘
Definition: A shadow is an inclusive term, a kind of personality, or an overall being for the emotional demons.
“A Chasidic Jew complained to his Rabi:
- Rabi, I have rising in me terrible thoughts.
- Meaning?
- I am even afraid to put it on my lips. It is bad for me and I feel bad that I am capable to think such thoughts, that, on them, even in hell there is no atonement.
- Well, say it.
- Woe. Sometimes I think, God forbid, that there is no justice and no just.
- So, what do you care?
- What do you mean: ‘what do I care’? Screamed the Hasidic Jew.
- If there is no justice and no just, what kind of purpose does the world has?
- So, what do you care that the world has no purpose?
- Rabi. If the world has got no purpose, that there is no point, than there is no point for the Torah, and if there is no point for the Tora, than there is no point for life, and for this, Rabi, I care very much.
Said Rabi Mendel to the Chasid:
- If you care so much, than you are a decent Jew, and it is allowed for a decent Jew to have such thoughts.”
This story is about a dark side in the life of this Chasidic Jew, and this is his subversive dark thoughts (expression of demons), and the Rabi tells him that he should recognize and accept this dark side of him; the shadow; (The dark self).
And not only to give recognition to the shadow and stop running away from it, but absolutely the opposite; to love it…
This sounds absurd, but this is the way out of the great dominance of the shadow on our life.
And even more than that; to know that ‘I am the shadow’, and the ‘darker’ the shadow is– the more ‘me’ it is.
So, we have two approaches to the issue of the shadow in us;
One, is running away from the darkness of the lower consciousness (the higher consciousness needs to be developed, so until then, all we have is the lower subconscious), which means: to ignore it and to depress it.
The second approach is to give it recognition.
This two are also the two kinds of leadership:
- The leadership of the ruler that is removed from the proletariat; uses it, repressing it, growing on his account.
- The leadership of the shepherd, that goes after a stray sheep.
Which is a leadership on a higher level?
The one of the shepherd is the higher. Because the higher you are – the more you love those who are below you. The leadership of the ruler is not leadership, it is tyranny.
High leadership means: to feel the pain of those who are lower and weaker then you. The shepherd loves his sheep, and the most, he loves the injured and weak sheep, for they need the most support.
One representation of the lower subconscious (in which the shadow resides) is the body; the more we listen to it, relate to it, love it – the more we are on the way to accept our demons.
If we, as high level leaders of our empire, need to relate to the unsuccessful, vulnerable side of us (the shadow), we need not to expel, to repress, to deny it. But to know that our real authentic self are not our profession, or education, but the little helpless lost child, that need relating to, conformation acceptance – a hug.
So, the little lost child is a large portion of our shadow. To live in the lost kid, does not mean just to know that this is the real me, but more than that; to give him full legitimation, to treat him as the real me.
An authentic person is connected to the lost child, and in him he finds his identity. From reading the essays of the Danish philosopher: Søren Kierkegaard:
“A man who as a physical being is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him’.
Soren Kierkegaard
it is quite clear that he was connected to the ‘shadow’ of the ‘poor child’ in him, and through him he was able to connect to what is authentic and real in the world.
But with politicians, many of them are blotted people, talking in high clichés and slogans, mostly because their ‘shadow’, the ‘poor kid’ – did not get from them any recognition. This is also, to be, connected to their sensations, feelings and body. The denial of the body could be noticed by how people drag their body, the way they drop their body into a chair, the critical way they look at himself in the mirror. All this is saying: “this body isn’t me, as long as it doesn’t cause any problems – we don’t pay much attention to what it wants to say to us”. Contrary to that, it could be seen in documentaries – how natives in primitive tribes carry their body; with grace and self-respect, their body is not part of them, it is them. If we would know to listen to the body, it will cease to be a prison for the soul (for the body is giving some expression to her).
Everything below the neck – is the lower subconscious: emotions, cravings etc.
Intellectualism is a proof to that that we lost the contact with the denied self, the unpolished’ unshaped self, the inner child– we call: the ‘shadow’. Whereas’ living full authentic life- means intimacy with ‘shadow’. The shadow is everything we deny in our self, because it is not civilized enough, we scarified the ‘essence’ for the sake of the ‘personality’.
We, our self, are living on a very thin layer of consciousness, it stands between two dimensions that we are not conscious of; the ‘shadow’ –which is connected to the body, and it is called here: the lower subconscious, the other is the spiritual world (‘the world of Ideas of Plato’) – higher subconscious.
We are between the two, but should be based in lower subconscious, in order to allow spiritual energies and intelligences – to enter, and go through, the higher subconscious. We could not receive it through our thin layer of consciousness, it has no capacity to house and process high energies, we can only get it if the higher subconscious is free and we are based in the lower subconscious. The head is the thin layer, it is the mediator between the higher and lower – subconscious.
***
Quotes:
“…our souls may be consumed by shadows, but that doesn’t mean we have to behave as monsters.”
― Emm Cole, The Short Life of Sparrows
on hot and warm love.
Part one:
In the beginning of a relationship there is usually a great wave of uplifting, and then they shower great love on each other. This is what is usually on a normal average level, but how is the relationship if and when they are on a high level?
At this level the energies of love are gradual and get intensified slowly, a person on a high level in a relationship is not giving immediately, an outburst of love. Love on a high, or mature, level it is continuous, steady, without dramatic ups and downs.
Love that begins with high temperature will also suffer from a big drop. So emotional love on a high level is lees hot, less burning, more of fine quality, and mainly steady and stable.
Emotional extremism is not necessarily a sign of healthy and balanced relationship. It is true that the coldness of alienation (in a relationship) is terrible, but also the other hand; of hot emotions could burn (as much as it could freeze).
The emotions of an emotional mature person – are emotions that got moderated, the warmth is steady and they are in ‘the middle way’ (or ‘middle path’). You can trust this person’s emotions – that will always be there with the same stable giving. And this is in contrary to the emotions of a person who is not emotionally mature, that one day his emotions can burn and in the other it can freeze. With it, moderate emotional giving could be perceived by people with infantile emotions – as coldness enragement, and not caring.
The emotionally mature person might not love with passion and impulsiveness – but his emotional grant is containing an important element; human warmth.
Human warmth never burns, it is warm enough to warm in the hard winter of the cosmic and human – alienation. Moderate heat (warmth) is gentle, and gentle emotions connect and ‘talk’ to the soul (for she recoils from anything too extreme).
The high (or mature) end of the emotions calms you down.
In this level the emotions ‘live’ in a quiet lake.
Human warmth is close to the soul (calming and securing it). Hot emotions are close to the level of the blood (heating and aggravating it).
The whole idea of emotional maturity, is to pass from the ‘burning’ side, to the gentle and warm side, while the power of the love could be the same with ‘hot’ lover as with ‘warm’ lover.
If it (the emotions) is too hot, then it puts the soul out of the game.
It is like the difference between a laugh and a smile; laugh is hot, smile is warm. Laugh is a discharge, smile is harmony.
Lugh is aggressive, the smile – gentle. The smile is communicative on the level of the soul, allows the smiler to open up to you from the inside.
(The smile can ‘hug’ without crashing…).
It is easy to blame the British whose emotions are gentle – in emotional coldness, but what they do is keep contact with their soul. It is not coldness of alienation and of the closing the door, but it says that he will not burn your delicate fuses.
(Gentle people are also deeper, like in the great British theater).
Part two:
The emotions should be a calm lake, that there are hardly any boats sailing on it.
It is like the gold reserves at fort Knox, they are known as the Bullion Depository in the U.S.A. – which operates according to the gold standard. A gold standard is a monetary system in which the standard economic unit of account is based on a fixed quantity of gold. They are not allowed to be touched for they act as a store of value, or to support, for the value of the national currency.
But we do not treat our emotions as the Gold in Fort Knox, we all the time use and overuse of our emotions and we heat them up with every emotional stimulation and by that – we waste them.
The emotions are strongest when they are not hot.
The closer it is to the soul – the cooler it is, the further away it is from the soul – the hotter it gets.
When an emotions gets exited – the soul shrinks.
But cooling the emotion – does not mean to repressed it. Repression and depression of the emotions is to crush them. If the emotions are fire – then depressing the emotion is to turn of the fire, and then we ‘freeze to death’. So, the right way is to remain on mild warmth; human warmth.
Having written all this about the need to restrain the emotions- I must emphasize one important point; what is written here is in no way means to restrict the emotions, and become emotionless or even frozen and limited emotionally. On the contrary, only after reaching a mature level of the emotions – can they (the emotions) be satisfying and rich, and in full harmony with us.
***
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On Water and Emotions
On the Purification process of emotional energy.
One of the ways to understand emotions is by making an analogy between them and water;
The emotions can exist in one of 2 states: high or low. Emotions come originally in the low or raw state, (undeveloped, not tamed) for it to become high it needs to go through a certain process. A process of separating the low part from the high part. This is a purification process.
In order to understand how the purification process of the emotions work;
We have to learn, or relearn, about distillation of water; Distilled water is water that has many of its impurities removed through distillation. Distillation involves heating the water on a low heat, and then condensing the steam (high emotions) into a clean container, while the imputities remain on the bottom of the container.
So if we compare this technique to the purification of emotions – the way to allow the finer part of the emotions –go up, is by practicing an observer practice, (this is by analogy is like the low heat) means looking at them without involvement, the observer allows the finer parts to go up. The lower aspect will stay down, instead of going up.
The observer effect in Quantum physics says that observing a phenomenon changes its nature, just by the act of the observation itself.
– To live in peace with the emotions.
The emotional state of a (chronological) grownup, is like a raw, unprocessed, unshaped – material.
One analogy is a puppy, if he is not being taught what is allowed and what is forbidden – he will do what is not allowed.
Another example is a bush, if it is not being pruned (and given a shape) it is extended to all directions, and if pruned- it gets stronger.
The same form an emotional point of view; if the emotions are allowed to react in any way and at any time – they weaken and loose their strength and vitality.
In the terminology of certain Eastern teachings (and in the ‘fourth way’) man has got several ‘bodies’; the first body is the ‘carriage’ (body), the second body is the ‘horse’ (feelings, desires, emotions), the third the ‘driver’ (mind), and the fourth the ‘master’ (permanent I, consciousness, being).
The horses of the emotions are moving to all directions, (except the main road); they are not connected to the driver by reins (mind), there is no connection between the mind and the emotions. The driver is looking for stimulations, and in their absence – he is just bored… Almost anything unexpected is causing the horses to leap, to jump and gallop.
The power of their reaction is not according to what comes to them from reality, but according to their habitual wild response.
So, for example, if in recent times – self-pity caused an extreme reaction from them, the same would be in the present self-pity.
The emotions, like horses, need to be tamed, become mature, otherwise they cannot be controlled. Another analogy for emotional maturing is the educating of children; they need to learn about Delayed gratification; the more the emotions go wild because they feel that they don’t get what they want –the more they should wait a while, so they will learn not to expect to get immediately what they want, otherwise, later – they would become impossible to control.
Both, children and the emotions operate on us a kind of emotional blackmail; if you do not give the emotions the freedom to go wild than they make you feel bad.
One needs to be determined and assertive about them. The question is: is our life designed by the wildness of our emotional outbursts? Or we design them according to a goal.
Many adults pay a heavy price for the lack of emotional taming , a person who is holding the reins of his emotions, strongly, tight and short – is usually mature and developed emotionally. He can seat in front of the T.V. and if he sees something which squeezes his emotions, and then he either pass to another station, or leave. He is holding them short. Giving them full freedom – increases their demand and weakens their inner strength.
The emotions should serve us, the moment we allow them to expand all over – we are serving them (and them serving us).
In the fable of Gurdjieff about the carriage – the horses are the emotions, if they are not tamed, they do what they like; if a male horse of the carriage see a female horse on the side of the road – the rider is dragged after his horses. The untamed emotions are in a power struggle with us.
And here at this point I wish emphasis about what is being talked about here, we are not talking of repression and depression of them, but of the management of them. In depression of the emotions we operate an unproportioned force upon them, here there is the satisfaction that comes from conquering them, and what is important in taming is to draw definite boundaries (between what is allowed and what is not).
So, therefore we have here 3 emotional states, and for that an analogy; a bush – the Gardner can do one of three thing:
A.to let it grow wild – this is the state of untamed emotions.
B. this is ‘the blessed middle way’; to prune it and give it support when young.
C. repressing the emotions is to grow a Bonsai bush; the roots are being prunes, and strings are being wrapped around it.
In repression (and depression) – you don’t allow a minimal freedom to be themselves, in pruning of the branches you don’t hurt the bush, and the pruning (of the branches) actually strengthen the bush.
A substantial part of human culture is based on the concept that the emotions are a wild growth, the more a person is of high status – the more he is expected not to be motivated by his emotions, and that his emotional expression – must be as minimal as possible.
No one deals with emotions in our culture, our society, it could be said it is a kind of animal living in us that with keep in the inner chambers, and are acting as though they don’t have this animal. And this animal gets bigger and bigger – the more she is being ignored, threatens to swallow the inner self, so that there is hardly any self, only untamed emotions.
So, emotional maturity is the sane middle path. The emotional infantile is split into two problematic ends: one end is to let the emotions go wild, the other hand is to depress and repress the emotions and emotional expression (until the dying of, of the emotional life). The second option is a dictatorship, under which the emotionless person can cause all kind of repression on other human beings. In fact, despite their oppositions, the two ends cooperates and are closer to each other rather than each one of them – to the middle. The distance between repression and an uncontrolled emotional outburst – is smaller than we tend to think. And too much repression leads in the end to the uncontrolled outburst, and this happens when the repression cannot go any further, so then it switches to the other hand.
This outbursts and the personal involvement could be perceived by the person as life and full living itself. Instead of letting life forces to pass through – comes the emotional ‘celebration’ – as a substitute.
All are behaving as though they are almost without emotions, when a person explains his deeds and behavior – he comes across as though he is operating fully from a rational motive, but in most cases the emotions are what is behind this behavior, they might let the emotional explosion happen and then behave as though it did not happen (or, again, rationalizing it).
Most people don’t really have a life of their own, for the emotional animal robed most of their life.
When analyzing the emotional content of most movies – we see what occupies a large portion of human beings, and this are emotions of: fear, violence, romanticism, suspense and fantasies – it shows what kind of emotions lives in the spectators.
One claim that could be said about what has been written here about the emotions is: what do we have emotions for if not to enjoy life and have a good time with them?
Well, the emotions and the blood (cravings, desires and impulses) are fuel that is there for the maintenance of all the human system, they are not there for us, we are not supposed to self-use them. They should be locked inside as part of our maintenance system… And what is it like? Like the attitude towards money; the way we treat money – we should do with our emotions; not to waste them (in order to get pleasure out of them), but we should keep and save them in a protected state, so they would be of use in important things sometimes in the future.
The emotions are not for our daily life, we should be moved by the forces of life itself (and not by the emotions, because they belong to the maintenance system and not to the part in us which is there for potential development and growth).
If we stop to be moved by our emotions and begin to be moved by the life forces – than when we do or act, it would be done without an effort, lightly. Generally emotions are in effort, and pressure, but in order to live (and not just to exist) it should be done effortlessly. When we use emotion for our daily life – we rob something which wasn’t meant for us but for our maintenance system.
No doubt, we should aspire for pleasant emotions, but the question is: does a person gives this aspiration to be one of his chief motives?
For In the process of self, or spiritual, development – a separation must happen between lower and higher emotions, so the lower would ne excreted down and out of the body, and finer emotions would rise up to build the higher emotional body (which would become the emotional center itself, one day). Extension of this concept of separate the high, from the low, emotions – could be found in chapter number 19 – on water and emotions.
Emotional (personal) involvement.
Personal, or emotional, involvement, is the most difficult disease which attacks a person on the path to become self-conscious (or anyone). This is the emotions getting into a state of a ‘loop’, it is a whirling spin in which an emotional hurt swells above all proportion and is swallowing his natural feeling of self.
P.I. is the emotional system getting into a state of shock and a feeling of inner whimper.
The stages which schematically the P.I. is going through, usually, is in this order: first, emotional hurt, than identification, and then it could escalate into a P.I.
And then the person becomes locked in the turns of what hit him, and as it turns the more it gets in, and the more the person is dealing with it -the greater are the turns of the wheel of the P.I. it gets faster, and then the prison becomes more hermetic. And then he becomes lost to the world, to himself, to his consciousness (as limited as it may be).
To be in PI. Is to be in a state; which means: to be under powerful influence that for it you are a puppet on a string.
When this P.I. becomes the center of gravity, the consciousness go flat.
And all this begins when the person identifies with the negative emotion (generally, of being hurt).
P.I. is a collapse of the large picture of things, one gets lost in a dot (the P.I.), and the whole enormity of the world and the life of the person is, is disappearing in this tiny black hole of P.I.
When one is in an awaked and open state of consciousness – he cannot, mostly, get into P.I. – because when you are in this high state you see the whole picture, the more you ‘open’ the picture and see more ingredients – so the chances of getting into P.I. are lesser. It is the opposite of being in a P.I. – in an awake state of consciousness there an expansion, while in P.I. there is a contraction and the consciousness is scattered.
Emotions and education.
Preface:
The world is divided to people, cultures and schools – that give more emotional freedom to a person, and there are those which restraint the emotion. The question of how much freedom should the emotions get, remained always. For example, the academia, high status officials, churches and religious establishments -were tending to depress and repress the emotions, whereas as the avant-garde artists, the Hippies, and the continent of Africa and the Middle East – gave it more freedom.
Part one – emotional dominance In self-education:
This division about the attitude towards freedom in the expression of emotions – is finding a place in the conflict between old and young generations; the young gives much freedom to his emotions, while their parents would like them to give less freedom to their emotions. An expression for it we can find in Can Stevens song; “Father and son”. From “tea for the tillerman”.
Lyrics:
Father:
- It’s not time to make a change.
- Just relax, take it easy
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy
I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy
To be calm when you’ve found something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Why, think of everything you’ve got
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.
- Son:
- How can I try to explain?
‘Cause when I do he turns away again
It’s always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go.
Father:
It’s not time to make a change
Just sit down, take it slowly
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to go through
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy.
Son:
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it
If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them they know not me
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go.
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Yusuf Islam
Father & Son lyrics © BMG Rights Management.
There is no doubt that this society of ours is for emotional repression, it could be seen, again, on high status officials and high ranked executives – who wear the social masks of having hardly any emotions. And emotional males will get criticism if their emotions are expressed freely. (With it -man are allowed to express hard emotions – more than woman). It is interesting to note that the prohibition of expressing emotions freely – serves the ruling regime, for in the lack of emotional freedom – the controlling classes – are safe.
We are too busy hiding our emotions, rather than exposing them.
Family and friends were supposed to be a kind of Ghetto, or nature reserves for our repressed emotions, but usually the repression is so deep, that if they do find an expression there, it comes out either in the overflow of being in love, or in the form of anger eruption.
But what about individuals? Well, there are people who are more expressive emotionally (extroverts), and others who are more reserved (introverts) and are contained in their emotional expression.
The main deciding factor in this is: genetics, but not only; psychologically, the presence and role in educating children is in the hands of the parents; in this it is being speculated that if the father is dominant in the education, than the children will tend to be reserved emotionally, and if it is the mother – they would be more open and expressive in their emotions. If the influence of one of them is too dominant, than the tendency of the child might be more to the extreme.
One way or the other – dominance is very bad in education (for it doesn’t allow the child to find his own inner voice).
Without giving the child breathing space for getting lost and making mistakes – there is no possibility for the potential – to grow. The dominance of one of the parents does not allow a breathing space. Dominance from one of them will get the child get stuck in one of the extremes of actualizing his potential.
The emotionally mature person is situated in ‘the middle way‘, and from there he is in control of the two emotional extremes, he puts boundaries, from one hand he doesn’t impose them, from the other hand – he doesn’t allow a wilds irruption of the emotions.
In order to grow emotionally – one needs to have the approach of assertive emotionality.
Part two, being emotionally infantile or mature – in children education:
Let’s take a situation of refusal from a woman – to a man that wants her, the infantile emotionally will get into deep personal involvement, while the emotionally mature will restrict his frustration (not identify), and will say: ok, and move on.
Here is the place to emphasize that emotional maturity is not a matter of decision, it is not depended on us; it is a process.
The emotionally mature person has a clear and definite feeling that: ‘no one owns me anything‘. The ego is no longer in the center, and then the opposite poles (too much freedom, and from the other hand: repression) don’t pull towards the extremities. And then the emotion could be channeled to a desired goal.
The moment an emotional hysteria happens – the emotionally mature puts a barrier between him and the trigger and tries to stops the process. Whereas the emotionally infantile feel that the damage was already done and so, they don’t mind destroying everything, but the truth is that the real damage happens when it manages to enter in (till the stage of personal involvement). The emotionally mature succeeds in restraining his identification. The neutralizing of the emotional blow should be done after the first stage (the hurt) and before the identification stage, otherwise it is too late, for it will sink into P.I.
The emotionally mature is always on guard, ready for the next emotional attack; ‘The architect technique’. Whereas, the emotionally infantile, who denies the possibility of becoming hurt again, is getting into a shock each time he is being hurt by someone, and the shock, by itself, is causing great damage.
It is interesting that the subject of emotional maturity is not taught in schools and even Universities, and in the absence of such education, the person remains at the emotional age of 5 or 6 (approximately), we have, in school, sexual education, mental education, but emotional education – is left out, it is true that some years ago the subject of emotional intelligence was discovered, but it is not the same as the process of maturing the emotions.
To be emotionally mature is to live with the knowing that if you would allow yourself more wilds emotions, this ‘ivy’ will strangle all the beautiful plants (soul potential). With this ‘ivy’ being present in one’s emotional system – one could not be creative and not have good evolving relationships with people, and most definatly – will not be able to reach a spiritual level within oneself, because any small emotional deterioration will crush those high dimensions.
The uncontrolled reactions of the emotions is a clear sign of emotional infancy, the way to deal with it is by being a father and mother to oneself, that means to let the father that you have internalized in yourself – say to them: ’till here’, no more, putting boundaries to the emotions. And the motherly influence will cause self-acceptance and love for the little lost inner child. There is no maturing of the emotions without this two influences.
The emotionally mature doesn’t give such a great place to emotional hurt, he doesn’t put (like a kid) his emotions in the center. He knows that no one owes him anything.
Until we will grow emotionally, we would live believing that other owe us consideration to our vulnerable emotions, until we get reed of this notion – we will not mature emotionally.
The easiness with which we are thrown into personal involvement is an indication of our true emotional age.
One of the main tools for becoming emotionally mature is restraint, but it is not to depress and repress; In restraint you limit the wildness of the emotions, but in repressing and depressing them – you wipe them out, crush them, and this is not less terrible. (It could be observed in some old people who are flat and infantile emotionally, both at the same time).
.
Emotions, the great parasite
It is difficult to grasp; but emotions could be the parasite that comes instead of life, they are the greatest robbers of the life of a person.
As with all Parasites, the emotions feed off their hosts–energy in this case. As they feed, they grow. The parasite of the emotions grow and gain strength over time and influence and even, in extreme cases, almost take over.
The forces and energies of life should come and go through us. We should let life come to, and through, us – but we are too full with our emotions.
We should present emptiness to those energies of life. But our emotions took over this emptiness, and whatever comes into us get blocked and ‘eaten’ by our emotions.
We believe that receiving our experiences through the emotions – is real living. But we confuse between the energies of life (Gurdjieff calls them: impressions) and the energies of the emotions. You either process life or your emotions.
They are a kind of parasite, because they robe our experiences on their way into to us. This experiences are not meant to get to our emotions, but to our being and inner core.
The first rule for a spiritual seeker is to overcome the dominance of our emotions that has overgrown their original size.
This parasite is like an Intestinal worms, also known as parasitic worms, that eats the food of the person, this parasitic worm is appearing in one of the books of the Essenes:
THE GOSPEL OF THE ESSENES .C.W.DANIEL CO. 1976. Page-116.
In this chapter it is being told that very sick people came to Jesus. One person who was suffering intensely, and was fasting for 40 days begged to be healed, Jesus put in front of his mouth sour goats milk, because of the fast and the smell of the sour milk – the starved intestine worm came out (Jesus called him: the devil), and so the man got reed of this worm.
This is an analogy for the place of the emotions in one’s life. They ‘eat’ the impression foods, while the owner is starved for fresh impressions. When people talk to each other – they actually talk to the parasite of thier emotions.
Part two:
On a high level the person has got rich and powerful life going through him, freely, without the emotions consuming it.
Having negative or positive emotions – are secondary to the forces of life moving through him.
We should elevate above the glass ceiling of our raw emotions.
For a person living through his being and not through his emotions, there is a presence, something that does not come from the emotions but from deep within, and without, and so it is powerful.
His life is so full that they create around him lots of happenings. As much as he is a recipient of forces and energies – he is creating happenings around him.
This is happening for him without him being in an effort.
His life is a great happening, stemming from his depth.
When he meets other people it is difficult for the people he meets- to ‘put the finger’ on what it is about him which is different, for he does not touch their emotions, but something deeper in them; their soul (which most of them are not in contact with).
A person who is connected to his life does not work from his emotions. Most people are doing emotional manipulations one upon the other, they are playing emotional games, fulfill emotional roles; the policeman, the prisoner, the aggressor and so on.
More about emotional games people play, in the book: Berne, Eric (1964). Games People Play – The Basic Hand Book of Transactional Analysis. New York: Ballantine Books.
Emotional blockages
Part one
A definition: Emotional blockages are those hidden barriers and can consist of any kind of emotion. They are the emotions that we suppress, repress and are unable to express. If we do not attend to these emotional blockages, we may never be able to fulfill our potential in life.
An Axiom: everything which lives in nature (organic life) – is in some sort of a dynamic process, a process of change, and this change is divided into two: growth or decay.
So, if we want to understand the human from a dynamic perspective, we should observe him through this prism and to examine: is he in a process of growth or degeneration?
For that we need an analogy, and a good analogy is a plant, (in this way it would easier to see and understand the processes of growth and decay).
Well, the plant is growing towards some sort of a climax (a flower, a fruit). What is the climax of the human?
If we are to continue this parallel between the plant and the human, we would find that the roots are parallel to the feet, and the flower is supposed to be parallel to the head. But the question remains; is the head in the human, functions as the flower in the plant?
In other words; does the head functions as the top of a development process? (As a manager that grew out of his workers and now he is in charge and is orchestrating them).
Or is (our head is only a bud that did not open up to a flower?).
And the sad conclusion of this parallel is, that our head which is perceived as the top of the human system, meaning that king of the kingdom – only looks dressed, but in fact he is: the ‘naked king’, naked, naked….
Another analogy we find is in a candle; the vax is the human body, the wick id the spine and central nervous system, and the end of the wick that is popping up on top of the wax – is the head.
The meaning of this analogy is: that a head (the top of the wick) without the high emotions reaching it – will not catch the fire of high consciousness
Part two:
The western, materialistic approach sees the spine as a pipe for the passage of nerve energy. The holistic approach, and medical approaches from the Far East – sees the spin as a pipe for the passage of emotional energy, an energy which could climb up the spine (through the Chakras) towards the head.
According to this approach, as long as there are no disturbances in the streaming of this energy, the lower energy could reach the top, but if it is confronted by blockages, it is coming to a Holt and accumulates at certain spot. And what is more important is that the head remains without vital energies, without ‘fuel’ that will allow him to be on fire, when the transdental spark – arrives.
The main areas in which blockages can accrue are in the neck and pelvic.
In the pelvic there is a junction of dense energies, (going downwards and out of the body). The neck is a junction for higher energies (down and up).
The pelvic junction could be blocked by sexual energies, while the blockages in the neck are mainly caused by emotional blockages.
When the emotional junction is getting blocked – it is a sign of powerful emotional repressions, repression of what we feel that might harm us, or will not be received in the right way, or is the residues of the result of personal traumas. The blockages cause an imbalance; it causes the emotional expression to be unbalanced; leaning towards one extreme; over or under activity.
When an emotional blockage is being created, it effects the activity of the brain, so that the thinking becomes flat, intellectual (lacking intuition and depth), the (higher) emotional energy do not fertilize the thinking (and then, the center of gravity switches from the right hemisphere –to the left one).
In this state of emotional blockage in the neck junction, the emotions are in a state of rotation or a seesaw: between emotional repression and emotionally going wild. This two deviations are caused, usually by repressed, hard, unpleasant emotions like: insult, guilt, inferiority feelings –This blockage are a non-flowing, fixed and static block that do not allow the flow of emotional energies
When there are no blockages the emotions mature and develop towards a higher state. When there are no blockages – the emotions should leave below the raw, unrestraint part of their primitive state, and is passing through the open junction only the finer emotional energies.
Blockages in the area of the neck do not allow the rising of fine energies – upwards. And so, they remain locked below the neck, in a raw and unstable state.
Passing the emotional junction leads to emotional maturity and to having an accesses to reality and the forming of a high emotional center.
The emotional junction is a corridor that should not be blocked, this will prevent the thinking system from evaluating things, according to their true nature.
.
On emotional growing up
“The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth then hold no opinion for or against. The struggle of what one likes and what one dislikes is the disease of the mind.”
― Sengstan, Hsin Hsin Ming.
***
We all are grownups mentally and physically, but not emotionally.
If the emotions did not grow up, they meet a cold functional world and when someone is angry, hostile or humiliating towards us, we get deeply hurt and offended.
In this world the emotions are unsafe, and the only thing a person can do is to hide and put a mask on his emotions, for he could not stand the emotional pain.
The emotion are an energy whose strength is in being like a quiet lake, the moment there is a movement in the emotions – they get infected and murky.
The emotions should be kept like gold metals in a safe, but instead of this they ‘leak’ everywhere. People come to spiritual process with their hot emotions, instead of coming with open, receptive and quiet – emotions.
The emotions conquered a larger territory then what they should possess, and they need to be brought back to the right proportions
Many people are afraid that if the emotions will be under supervision – they will become mechanical, non-human. Non grown emotions do not make the person human, but more egocentric and vulnerable emotionally.
Infantile (non-grown) emotions, are very dominant. They take a large territory of ourselves, they live in us like a parasite, we take in impressions, but they reach our dominant emotional system, instead of our being. And so, the emotions get larger and more powerful, while we, remain ‘under nourished’…
But there is one problem in becoming ‘grown up’ in one’s emotions – from the outside the emotionally grown up and mature – could look like a weak, non-aggressive person, and this mistake is because his power in unseen, for it id inside, while the outer could appear non dominant.
Taming the emotions. Chapter 7 –
All of us have emotions, but the truth and the problem are that more than we having the emotions – the emotions are having us…
What is the meaning?
Well, the emotions could be in one of two states; in control or going wild. (In most cases – the second is more dominant).
And so much so, that the emotions are spread all over our empire as though it is theirs. Without a serious and honest training, the emotions would continue to rule.
Here is the place to do a comparison between the emotions and dogs. Dogs are all emotions.
What is common to dogs (even the more wild) is that they are faithful to the rules in their pack belonging, in other words; there is a way to deal, even with stray or wild doge – so they would listen. The same with emotions; they are raw and wild to begin with, but it is possible to communicate and channel them; be tamed.
Dogs could be cooperative or wild, or even cunning. Depends whether they have been tamed or not.
One interesting fact here; it is easy to think that dogs hate taming, the opposite is true, they love it and do their duties faithfully. Even wolfs could be tamed to a degree; Not only do the dogs act as a companion, they also protect you by attacking hostile mobs.
Without taming, the behavior of the emotions would be according to their primal nature- which is to refrain from unpleasant feelings and to strive towards finding a strong stimulation, and in order to actualize this two, the untamed emotions would easily sacrifice the interests of the person who houses them, and almost the same is for untamed dogs.
Either the dog is ruled by his canidae (a family group) and the Canidae leader – or he is making his rules. So it is with the human; either your emotions manage you or you manage them.
Punishment, either of dogs or of the emotions – not only don’t work, it might lead to worsening of the situation. With dogs it creates confusion, and with human it might lead either to anger or self-guilt.
So, if punishment is not the way to tame? What is the way?
We need to master the right language, either to dogs or the emotions, to transmit the right signs. And be the leader of the pack.
The leader of a dog’s pack, could be male or female, they must be the ruler, being part of a dog’s pack is not a democratic business, there must be order, hierarchy, and who decides? The leader of the pack (it could be an Alfa male or the owner of the dogs).
In this social order every dog cooperates with the pack. The leader decides for each dog what the mission he needs to accomplish. Every dog knows the size of his territory and he follows intently after the orders of the leader, to be executed immediately, this are the pack rules.
To grow a puppy requires taming that repeats itself 24 hours. In order to show the puppy that you are the leader, you need to use the right body language and intonation of voice (‘calm and assertive’). You should be very positive in your approach. There is no room at all for negotiation, but it is being done in a totally positive and supporting atmosphere. To be strong in a soft way, this is the way with dogs and this is the way with emotions.
A dog that did not meet a true leader begins to behave as a self-rebellious leader. And one of the ways he rebels is to disregard and avoid the leader, for example before entering a room or a home, an untamed dog would enter in before the leader, but he shouldn’t be allowed to do that, there is no room for a dominant or aggressive dog in a pack.
So, we need to be in charge of our emotions! We shouldn’t negotiate with them. We need to have an unambiguous position in front of them (for example: not to express negative emotion, not in a hot way, anyway). It should be very clear what is allowed and what is not (personal involvement and identification – for example).
The emotions need to give space, to relax, to have patience, to follow and orientate themselves to the body language of others and of their owner.
There is a way to turn them to cooperate and know their place, and above all, to know the rules of goings on. (And the rest of the process of emotional taming, is in the other chapters of this book).
Be the leader of your emotional pack.
***
The Little Prince: Hey, come and play with me.
The Fox: I cannot play with you. I’m not tamed.
“I am looking for friends. What does that mean — tame?”
“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”
“To establish ties?”
“Just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world….”
“People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
.
***
Part two: Emotional hurt
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Erika Landau (1998)- “The Self – the Global Factor of Emotional Maturity.”, Journal article by Erika Landau; Roeper Review, Vol. 20, 1998.
Geeta S. Pastey and Vijayalaxmi A. Aminbhavi (2006) – “Impact of Emotional Maturity on Stress and Self Confidence of Adolescents” Journal of the Indian Academy of Applied Psychology, January 2006, Vol. 32, No.1, 66-70.
Geeta S. Pastey and Vijayalaxmi A. Aminbhavi (2006) – “Impact of Emotional Maturity on Stress and Self Confidence of Adolescents” Journal of the Indian Academy of Applied Psychology, January 2006, Vol. 32, No.1, 66-70.
Geeta S. Pastey and Vijayalaxmi, A. Aminbhavi (2009)- “Impact of Emotional Maturity on Stress and Self Confidence of Adolescents”, Journal of the Indian Academy of Applied Psychology, January 2006, Vol. 32, No.1, 66-70.
Part two: Emotionally infantile
This could sound quiet simple, even schematic to certain extent, but in reality the difference between both is more cunning, and why cunning? In our society the emotional infantile – learned to disguise itself and appear adult and mature. People repress infantile emotions and they behave and look as though they are completely emotionally mature.
But how do we know that under the cover of the mature – hides an infantile emotionally? Well, by his response when he gets emotional hurt. (This is an effective test); the mature externalizes it; either by opening it up or doing creative work with it. The infantile is taking it in, becomes glued to it, cannot let go, this is identification (with the hurt, with the injustice), and the final stage is called: personal involvement). The infantile gets terribly hurt because they are not protected by a neutral-mature protection.
Another point which characterize the emotionally infantile is the way he communicates with others; he is sensitive to his ego and hardly sensitive to the ego of others. And in his communicational transactions – he talks mainly about himself, and hardly give feedback to others about themselves. This causes much work for others, who has to guess (in the absence of a feedback) how the emotionally infantile is receiving him.
And as for the E.M. His insistence is to give feedback, for giving feedback to the others in communicational transaction –transmits to the other, an interest in him because of him being him, and not because of anything else. The E.M.’s feedback does not relate to facts but reflects and exposes to the other the internal position of the E.M. in relation to the content of what has been said. He is not relating to the facts being said, but to the intention behind them.
And as of the emotionally infantile (E.I.) – researches show that while they are putting on a front of E.M. – their emotions are not in control. So, according to this – the more efforts the E.I. would invest in behaving in an E.M. way (“I don’t have personal interests, I just present facts”) – so would the infantile part would intensified, for in the absence of monitoring and inspection, the infantile emotions could only go wild even more.
We got used to believe that grownups do things from realistic and rational stand point, but in reality it is their emotions that navigate thier, so called, rational decisions. While the E.M. is operating from an inner center of gravity (their being) and not from childish emotions.
One of the characteristics of the E.I. is the phenomenon of excitement; a heating up of emotional energy. Almost anything puts him into emotional high voltage or some sort of emotional orgy.
This is strange for the E.M. – his emotions are cool and calm. Excitement of emotions in the E.M. person is, for him, like the lines appearing on the television screen when operating an electrical equipment. Therefore he is very careful from excitement or anything which might heat his emotions, for than, his consciousness screen will be full with disturbances.
And what about inner peace in the E.I.? Well, he is mostly in one or two poles (states); either excitement or inner emptiness. While the E.M. is in one state only; peacefulness of the emotions.
This state does not arrive by itself, for the E.M. person is watching all the time that his emotions would not go over a certain level of excitement. He stops it before the flood, only than he succeeds not to become a victim for the current stimulation. And then he is not kidnaped by is overflowing emotions.
Being overexcited is like the emotions become inflammable. But the emotions should not be inflammable at all, what should catch fire is spirituality. The emotions are like the liquids surrounding the brain, it is the brain that should catch fire not the liquid around it. It is there to protect it, to cool it, and so it is with the infantile emotions.
Another analogy about the relations between the emotions and spirituality is an army camp and the guard at the camp’s gate. The guard is the I.E. and the army base itself is the inner being. In order to reach the inner being one must go through the emotions (the guard), but if they are not tamed and peaceful, the guest could not enter the camp, because the I.E. are too dominant, the emotions in the infantile stage will ‘steal’ the experience and will not let the experience (the visitor to the army camp) reach the spiritual realms and allow it to catch fire, instead of this the emotions themselves catch fire…
In the E.M. person the emotions do not block the passage of an experience into his inner center of gravity.
The emotions can allow or block (by overheating) and ‘kidnap’ the experience, and the inner core remains starved for new experiences. And then the person feels inner emptiness.
Another analogy is the sunlight; the I.E. ‘breaks’ the rays and become colorful instead of the rays continue inside to the inner being.
When observing an E.M. person – no color is seen, in fact, he looks grey. Whereas as when looking at an E.I. person he looks colorful, and full of happenings, and people who see this say: ‘great, he is so full of life’…
And here is a paradox; the E.I. is perceived full of life whereas the E.M. is perceived cold and not approachable emotionally…
***
Quotes:
*
Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values.
*
*
Part two: emotional hurt
It seems that the subject of emotional hurt was not covered enough. Anyway, it was covered not in a direct relation to its place and especially, its importance – in the life of people.
The intention in this book is to paint a picture, wide as possible, but also specific – about emotional hurt in our life.
E.H. (emotional hurt) plays in our life the role of a secret agent. In that that: insults (interpersonal) and crises (personal) – are being caused by E.H. because the term itself: emotional hurt, is not embedded – so we have no point of reference. The main claim in this this book is that behind many personal crises and communication breakdowns – emotional hurt is responsible.
E.H. is more widespread than what we usually think. The lack of the relative relating to her is because we have the tendency to repress E.H. and this probably is the main reason for the lack of awareness and the lack of relating to it in public and interpersonal conversation.
The relating to E.H. is usually indirect, it has names like: Emotional distress, emotional abuse, angst, anxiety, panic attack, heartache.
If a person would say to another something like: “I have been hurt by you” (the word: emption is rarely mentioned in this context) “I feel hurt”. And there is an unwritten convention that says that if a person is saying that than we can put upon him the stigma: “you are too sensitive” (that says in subtext that you are imagining things), or: “it’s not true, I did not hurt you and if you ‘never the less, feel this way than it is your problem”. Or: “I don’t know where you invented from”.
All this is saying that repression from the hurt side, and denial from the one who was hurting – are playing a lead role in the lack of relating to E.H.
Few examples: divorce of a couple; it is indeed possible that the divorce is a result of continuous E.H. and for a long time, until the side that sees himself to be hurt, could not carry on anymore and he must free himself from this relationship, apparently, the hurting side does feel hurt, therefore he wouldn’t like t split.
A spoiled atmosphere at work, could also be connected to this, either because there are there many sensitive people that could be easily get hurt, or of hurting people, but mainly when there is a quantity of the two types.
In relation to highly sensitive persons – they are mentioned in research literature as: ‘people without a skin’… and they might think that they have a problematic skin, but there is no doubt that the more a person is sensitive with a creative soul – the more he will be a target for those who might hurt him.
But this area of emotional hurt is not the monopole of psychologists alone, it is shared by philosophers, mystics, play writes, novelists and more, all can say something about the depth of the human psychic.
I met this field of E.H. when I began to work with people who read my writings, mainly concerning consciousness development. And one of the most interesting things I encountered was the subject of E.H. and soon it became apparent that this phenomenon disturbed them in the process of self-observation, or ‘self-remembering’ as it appears in the ‘fourth way’.
And as this subject grew and became very influential, I decided to have a close look at it. And here the journey into the large domains of the subject – began.
E.H. in a drama
As was written – the subject of E.H. is less discussed in science and psychology and more in novels and plays, here is one example, from a play “the wild duck” by Henrik Ibsen: The son marries his sweet heart only to find out that she slept with his father. His E.H. devastates him completely. And from here all the plot deteriorates. Then he becomes bitter towards his wife (Gina Ekda) and towards his daughter, (Hedwig) that he is convinced she is the daughter of his father, as a result of an affair.
After he arrives at the conclusion that Hedwig (aged 14) is Werle’s (the father) daughter – he is so hurt that he is unable to see the face of Hedwig, Then Hedwig which is the next victim of E.H. (Because of her father’s ignoring of her, and the suspicion of the son)- is collapsing under the burden of guilt, Hedwig is in E.H. because she is disillusioned from getting her father’s love back, she goes to the attic and in her hand a pistol. After a shot was heard they rush to the attic and see Hedwig laying on the floor – dead.
The unbearable ease with which people are giving themselves up to E.H. is giving it power (by identification), not understanding the danger which is here.
As was written, to live with people is to hurt and be hurt.
One of the most common phenomena in E.H. is what happens in a couple, to a person who loves his partner and does not get from him/her a love back (or is getting back love, but is not in the same intensity as his).
It does matter how great is the caliber or statues of a person, he will be subject to emotional pain just the same as everyone else.
There was a psychiatrist and psychotherapist named: R.D. Laing, in his most famous book: “the divided self” he claims there that in families with a lot of negative emotions, and especially E.H. – the sensitive person among them, becomes a kind of a drain pipe, he drains into himself all the stress (and like Hedwig in the Drama) he becomes E.H. (and then the family could go on, functionally normally).
And there is a complete disregard for this. If a person would open up to people his E.H. – he would get responses that transmit to him that all is ok, except the fucked up psychology of the one being hurt. It is not common to treat the E.H. as legitimate thing to open up and be discussed. And much of the trivial subject which are being discussed generally, are a cover-up of what is really burning in the sensitive person. In psychotherapy there is emphasis on recurring thought patterns, and hardly at all to what caused most of them: the threshold of his E.H.
And back to great playwrights and authors, we expect from them to surface the issue of E.H. and to what a degree it governs human relations. But the problem with dramas and literature is that it presented in such a way that the viewer or reader – could easily evade the application of this subject in his life. The E.H. is there but is covered by its consequences and symptoms.
When there is an emotional pain – the emotions disconnect from the thinking and then the thinking becomes dry and barren, which means that than our thinking only ‘scratches the surface of things’.
E.H. is not weakening by time, it is relevant and potent by the new E.H. which keeps coming in.
But how do we live with this emotional pain? The answer is: by repression. We repress what we could not cope with consciously. The repression is perceived as a relief (despite its making the consciousness dim and foggy) – the moment it is being repressed it doesn’t hurt anymore, but the damage of repression is much greater than the damage of the E.H. itself.
Identification with emotional pain means taking it personally.
Repression usually happens already before the pain is reaching a climax, there is a kind of a mechanism (in the subconscious) that the moment the pain reaches a certain intensity – a repression is being activated, and what’s more, it erases retroactively the EH. And so the person has no idea that something hit him. But it is alive there, and what’s worse is that it makes the mind foggy.
With it, a highly sensitive person that is hurt all the time – can live a regular life, one can get used to it (with the aid of repression), but a person sees himself as spiritual, meaning; he wants to go through a process of spiritual development – the state of personal involvement (a deterioration of E.H.) would not allow them to spiritually develop. First of all he needs to learn to block personal involvement. As long as he takes every hurt personally – nothing spiritual can develop in him (only through the placebo pill of faith and self-conviction).
Many spiritual teacher might not enter this minefield of the road from E.H. to personal involvement, they are content with passing to the students high material to be consumed, and by that they believe that they are advancing on the road to high spiritual attainment.
Quotes:
“If they keep hurting you, love them and stay or love yourself and leave.”
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“I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt you but rather so you can finally understand how much you hurt me.”
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“It hurts because it matters.” John Green.
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“I lied because I don’t want you to know how much it hurts me.”
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“Sometimes it’s better to be alone. Nobody can hurt you.”
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“Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you and you meant nothing to him.”
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“Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the single person you thought would never hurt you “It is not the pain. It’s who it came from
.”
On the repression of emotional hurt.
Origin of being hurt:
Middle English (originally in the senses ‘to strike’ and ‘a blow’): from Old French hurter (verb), hurt (noun), perhaps ultimately of Germanic origin.
It is the conception of the writer of this lines is that E.H. (emotional hurt) does not only happens more often than we are willing to admit, but (especially if it is being denied, repressed) it could influence different areas in us, such as: relationships, mental and physical health and more… Of course not all E.H. turns into an illness or to a problematic relationship, but at least more than some of it could be caused by an E.H.
The repressed E.H. becomes to be a collection of negative energies in the body, and then, either the body can drain it out, or it stays in the subconscious and continues to live.
This subject of: E.H. doesn’t get enough exposure, contrary to ‘sexual abuse’ or ‘verbal abuse’, which gets lots of exposure.
E.H. by itself, doesn’t cause damage, but the identification of the person with being hurt – causes what could be called: “personal involvement”, and this is what is causing the most damage. (But on that, later on).
The more the E.H. is getting repressed (and neglected as a result) – so the damage gets more costing.
It creates a kind of stress and a conflict in the whole system, and despite the fact that a man is used to living with it, never the less it is an oppressive and unpleasant feeling. And the more the E.H. are repressed – the stress get greater. This E.H. weakens the immune system, but mainly, the person does not enjoy from just being. For the stress, as a result of the E.H. – brings about a lack of inner peace, and a state of high excitement that could overshadow: ‘just being alive’.
So, the greatest negligence happens when people do not give enough weight to the damage that the repression of E.H. causes. (It might also inhibit and block the inner life of the person from growth and development).
But subconsciously – we do sense the echo of E.H in us. Therefore we eliminate people and situations that we think might cause us an E.H. And funnily enough, this does not decrease the quantity and strength of the E.H.
And it is amazing to see that despite the great damage that it causes, we give ourselves up to it, and by that turning it to a personal involvement, which gives power and longevity to the E.H.
One of the things we can say clearly is that to live with other people means to hurt and to get hurt. In other words: one of the frequent phenomenon of people who live with people is to hurt and get hurt.
And with it, it is so common. There is here a very strange phenomenon; people are being hurt again and again, and they do not develop an intelligence of how to go about it as to not be hurt again, but more important than that is how to go about the E.H. how to manage it so it will not deteriorate to something as obsessive and damaging as personal involvement.
A person could be shown dozen of times the route of E.H. that mostly leads to a state of acute trauma in the emotional system (which is: ‘personal involvement’) – and he will go on in this route.
It could be said hundreds of times and we still remain blind to it.
If we say to someone: don’t cross the road, otherwise you would be run over, and he crosses one time and got run over – next time he would not cross the road. But it is not the same with all which is to do with being emotionally hurt; for we can identify a person with potential to hurt us emotionally and instead of getting around him as not to make contact with him – most of the sensitive people (who are bound to be hurt more and more severely) believe that this time it might not happen…
One of the reasons for it, also, could be in that even if we are just being warned about E.H. – this warning, by itself, causes us an emotional pain…
This subject of E.H. carries with it pain which hardly exists in other areas, there are no known mental or sexual pains…
The two areas in us that could be injured and wounded are: the body and the emotions. Both are exposed to the outside world.
Now, the body has got an immune system, if it is being attacked by viruses, or get wounded or becomes ill – the body overcomes mostly by a wonderful system called: the immune system. But the problem is that our emotions are also exposed to injury and they have don’t have an immune system. The explanation for this is that the body was developed to the end of its capacity (and so it has an automatic immune system), the emotions did not grow up, they are still in an infantile stage, and thus did not reach the level in which there is a developed immune system, and therefore any emotional injury penetrates in (and gets worse), and if we identify with it and keep digging in it (cannot stop thinking about it)- it turns to a malignant personal involvement.
And now to the emotional pain, (which is the ‘companion of E.H.). When there is an emotional pain there is a kind of subconscious censorship that its purpose is not to feel pain, and even the best researches are not free from this censorship. Which might explain why they are such few researches on the subject of E.H.
And so the question is: how come distinguished researches did not put this subject in the center? How many clients that approach a psychotherapist are coming with emotional pains caused by an E.H.?
Probably, most people would relate to the pain that this essay causes them rather than being turned on by the importance and relevance of the subject.
And in conversations, if there is a reference to emotional pain, it is usually done in an indirect way, maybe give hints, but there isn’t a reference that shows to what a degree E.H. is a main part of our emotional life.
Interesting question; how many personality disorders might be caused by continuous E.H.?
(Especially when the people who are being hurt are ‘highly sensitive persons).
There are three kinds of people, as a result of accumulated E.H.:
1 . People that will terminate a relationship that is flooded with E.H.
2. People that will almost destroy themselves (mentally and emotionally), meaning: they will take the blame upon themselves.
3. People that will become ill physically (psychosomatic illness).
What is terrible here is that if the emotional pain passes a certain threshold, the damage that could happen even in two of the three, – is huge, for example: the destruction of the relationship and the development of psychosomatic illness.
And back to the censorship which is being done under the cover of our awareness; the strongest censorship in the life of two people living together – is the threshold of their emotional pain. And what occupies the mind of them is what area he/she have to get around in order to avoid a possible E.H.
It seems that it is our identification with our emotional pain is what is causing perception disorders; our view of reality is dictated, to a large extent, by the degree of identification with the pain in the emotions. This causes a kind of fog in the mind.
But emotional pain is not the worst, yet… we usually identify with our emotional pain, we become lost in it and then it causes perception distortions that bring about a narrow and one dimensional perception of reality.
Emotional pain (and more so; the identification with it) makes the thinking apparatuses fogy and disjointed.
We (in a relationship) are so loaded with pains of the past that after the ‘falling in love’ stage is over– a series of E.H. begins, a chain which difficult to stop.
E.H. that penetrated in and turns (through identification) into personal involvement –is a kind of infection that if not dealt with by strong boundaries –will poison most of the emotional system.
The earlier the E.H. is stopped, so it easy to stop the possible deterioration into personal involvement.
Usually, the one who puts an end to the relationship, is the one being hurt.
Now, what to do? Well, there is some intermediate stage, between the E.H. and the identification with it (and from there, straight into personal involvement) – a stage in which the one being hurt has got the possibility of intervention by awareness. And this is very difficult, but if he succeeds, he can disconnect from the thinking loop. For the E.H. begins in the emotions, but if it escalates (personal involvement) – it climbs to the head, and there it gets locked in an obsessive recurring thought about what caused him to be hurt – which is repeats itself every few minutes; a loop. (And we convince ourselves that we are just trying to solve the problem, but we are cheating ourselves, for we are deep in a loop).
If we give it no power, mainly by focusing the mind on something else, (a mantra or a guided imagery)) it weakens, for it is us who give it the power to recurre. (It has no power of its own), what is important in the escalating of E.H. – is not to feed it. (More about this issue – in the next chapter).
And back to E.H.; it controls and influences almost every area of our life, and what adds power to it is the aggregated weight of the E.H. that was pushed into our subconscious from the past. For example singles; who carry with them undrained historical E.H. – experience a difficulty in creating relationships.
The emotional pain is what people avoid from meeting most of their life, and this avoidance costs one, for it will control and limit most of his dealings with people. The stronger is the pain so would be his tendency to meet people, or to expose to them inner feelings – be lesser.
The more spiritual, highly sensitive and creative are the people – so they would be victims to E.H. But this is something that no spiritual and creative person – would not be willing to accept. He will say to himself something like: ‘why should I, a highly sensitive person, be hurt emotionally more than other people (who are less sensitive?) it is not fair…’.
But it has to be this way, if you are sensitive you have to suffer emotional pain, this is the meaning of being sensitive. You enjoy much more the heights of your life, and suffer more the downfalls.
The moment you surrender to emotional pain you immediately repress it, and at the moment– you no longer know that you have been hurt.
And it means that if people continue to get emotionally hurt, become personally involved with it, and with the addition of the repression – they find it difficult to grow and become mature in their emotions, and so they remain emotionally infantile.
***
Quotes:
“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten.
“Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now I can’t sleep. It’s right now that I can’t eat. Right now I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now.”
― Nina Guilbeau, Too Many Sisters
Being emotionally hurt; highly sensitive persons.
As it was written, hurtfull women seek often a strong man, to protecte them from other aggressive, hurting males.
Here we need to do a sepration between strong and forcefull male. A forcefull male is not necceserly strong, and he needs weak women in order to feel strong by hurting her. A really strong (assertive) man doesn’t need to hurt anyone, because he feels secure enough in himself. Being forcefull is a non ‘healthy path’, and as we saw – also the victims has got the ‘healty path’ and the ‘sick’ path, in the ‘sick’ path she is a self deception, by the naïve hope (that does not get actualize) that she will get protection and not aggresion).
It is difficult for women to diffrentiat between forcefull and strong men.
And back to our beloved highly sensitive persons, it is a kinds of thread that goes all through the second part of this book, for you cannot be hurt almost without being sensitive, and you cannot be sensitive –without being hurt.
There a question concerning highly sensitive persons; is every highly sensitive preson also an outsider? And is every outsider is neccesraly highly sensitive? Well the answer will be split to two; there is only one kind of highly sensitive beings, but there are two kinds of outsiders: high outsiders and low outsiders. Low outsiders could be criminals, drug addicts, and homeless people, whereas high outsider is a person that is drawn to poetry, arts, philosophy, spirituality and the like.
The highly sensitive, will be most likely in the second group.
And as was wrttiten; they get hurt most of the time. It is very easy in this to be locked in a ‘loop’, meaning; you get hurt again and again, by the same people, and you cannot stop it. So he is in a catch.
What will contribute to this is if he has a low self view. A low self view can return the highly sensitive to be hurt again, because he sees his sesitivty ans a weakness, and it is the giult feelings about his ‘weakness’ that brings him to be punished (which will decrease his dissonance).
Both of them: the hurting one and the one being hurt – are locked togther in a kind of a game pattern, a game because each one of them is acting in a particular role, and the pattern that was established for quiet sometime – will bring them back to the same distructive game.
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On E.H. and emotional abuse.
Download original file2448 × 3264 px jpg
“Hugging someone who is hurt”.
Jax House – This file has been extracted from another file: There’s no crying in baseball! (4549295140).jpg
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“The strongest censorship in the life of two people living together – is the threshold of their emotional pain”.
G.R.
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If we ask a person to what a degree he suffers from E.H. from 1-10, most likely their mark would be lesser than what its real influence is in his life.
And more than that; as was written, E.H. has got a certain capacity, which if it is being overloaded could seriously damage: relationships and mental and physical health.
The explanation for this possible results of E.H. is that when a person has got a big accumulation of negative emotions (the repressed E.H.), as was written; it either being drained out through physical (illness) or psychological (psychological disturbances) means, or it continues to live in the body.
The subject of sexual abuse in comparison to emotional abuse – was mentioned before, but here it will be elaborated.
There is a talk about sexual abuse but not enough talk about emotional abuse. Mainly from the reason that most of them are done under disguise, in hidden messages, and through body language. In sexual abuse all is clear; who abuses, who is being abused, what is the damage and so on. In emotional abuse the whole subject is amorphic, but not less harmful and damaging.
Emotional abuse is repeated emotional hurt over quiet a long time.
Mostly, if we look for literature on emotional abuse, we find much writings on child emotional abuse, and little about in in relationships and other communications.
Emotional abuse (hurting another emotionally, repeatedly) is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. It can be subtle and insidious or overt and manipulative. Either way, it chips away at the victim’s self-esteem or he begin to doubt their perceptions and reality.
The underlying goal in emotional abuse is to control the victim by discrediting, isolating, and silencing.
A repeated emotional abuse (by repeated E.H.) can cause destruction (of one’s self view, his relationship and his mental and physical health). It is known that sexual abuse can cause psychological disturbances, so if it is the result here, why doesn’t it apply to emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse can be many types of verbal abuse or actions. A few more common are:
- Yelling, as in spousal abuse
- Calling a Person Demeaning Names, as in child abuse
- Blaming for Problems Outside of the Scope of Control Shaming
- Controlling Finances
- Withholding Love, as in domestic abuse
- Restricting Access to Family and Friends, as in elder abuse
- Sabotaging Relationships and Career
- Bullying.
In relationships; there are often clear warning signs of someone who is emotionally abused. These warning signs can be witnessed in a person who seems afraid of or overly anxious to please their partner. They may also appear to agree to anything their partner says and be unwilling to voice an opinion contrary to his or hers. Another sign is checking in frequently with a partner and reporting activities or where they are. Someone who has to tell their partner at all times where they are, is dealing with a controlling individual and does not have the freedom to utilize their time as they see fit.
Psychological warning signs of being under emotional abuse include:
- Low self-esteem
- Personality Change
- Depression
- Anxiety
And back to E.H. what we saw so far is the ‘normal’ course of life, what about people who are involved in inner work, or personal development, or spiritual quest, or one form or another of self-improvement? – well in emotional abuse this is very difficult, if not impossible – to grow, mature and develop, especially if the abuse actually causes E.H. and if it deteriorates to identification and maybe to personal involvement – then the case is quiet sever.
E.H. is not as dangerous as much as the two following stages (identification and personal involvement). Therefor the E.H. should be caught as early as possible, before it deteriorates.
What is bothering here is the unbearable ease with which people are giving themselves up to E.H.; giving it power, keep feeding it, and not understanding the pending danger.
And again, not all would experience E.H. the same way; highly sensitive persons will experience E.H. as a trauma.
There are few things that people who experience E.H. will not do; they will avoid places and people who could harm them, and they have got (probably) no idea as to why they are avoiding it.
Indeed there is references to E.H. in psychology and in articles writings about it, but, and there is a great ‘but’, it is mentioned not in direct proportion to its presence and actual effect – in our life.
So, people are not taking into account that their view of reality is dictated (to a large degree) by the degree of emotional pain that their emotions allow them. And so we remain in a shrunken territory but is free of E.H.
We are being hurt the most, by those who are closest to us. One example is marriage life; If one partner does not stop hurting the other, than one day the victim could be completely ‘reversed’, and he is willing to go into debt, pay a lot to lawyers, only in order that the hurting partner will get much less than what he wanted.
If in general life this subject does not get the exposure it deserves – in novels, stories and plays – it has a place and an expression, for example, works by: Anton Chekov, Arthur miller, august Strindberg, Tansy Williams, Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, Emily Brontë, Charlotte Brontë, John Steinbeck, Charles Dickens, Victor Hugo, Jane Austen, and many more of course.
People are more subject to their emotions then what they are willing to admit, especially to E.H. it is very difficult to rise above the hurt, but it limits our perception and cuts our multi dimension of our perception, to the size of average perception
You can call this result of E.H. – averageness. (But there are ways to deal and cope with it, but about that later on).
***
Quotes:
“Later that night
i held an atlas in my lap
ran my fingers across the whole world
and whispered
where does it hurt?
It answered:
everywhere
everywhere
everywhere.”
― Warsan Shire
*
“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”
― Shannon L. Alder
*
“Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn’t feel a part of their heart break at rejection?
Jennifer Salaiz.
*
“Do you know the feeling, when your heart is so hurt, that you could feel the blood dripping?”
― Lady Gaga
*
“I could never hurt him enough to make his betrayal stop hurting. And it hurts, in every part of my body.”
― Veronica Roth, Insurgent
*
“To be rejected by someone doesn’t mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever love you anymore. Remember that only ONE person has rejected you at the moment, and it only hurt so much because to you, that person’s opinion symbolized the opinion of the whole world, of God.”
― Jocelyn Soriano, Mend My Broken Heart
*
“So the fact that I’m me and no one else is one of my greatest assets. Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
*
“Why is there ever this perverse cruelty in humankind, that makes us hurt most those we love best?”
― Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel’s Chosen
*
“I still own my heart, which I know because it hurts so much.”
― Emilie Autumn
*
“A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt, that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt.”
― Rachel Sontag, House Rules
*
“As the light begins to intensify, so does my misery, and I wonder how it is possible to hurt so much when nothing is wrong.”
― Tabitha Suzuma, Forbidden
*
“The worst wounds, the deadliest of them, aren’t the ones people see on the outside. They’re the ones that make us bleed internally.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Infamous.
References:
Averill, James R., 1980, “Emotion & Anxiety: Sociocultural, Biological and Psychological Determinants”, in Rorty 1980a: 37–72.
In praise of emotional pain… –
And the heart that is soonest awake to the flowers is always the first to be touch’d by the thorns.
***
Our emotions are very important asset for us, for they are a great power, a powerful engine. They are the base for personal and spiritual growth. The problem being that in many of us it is not fixed yet, it is still fluid, moving between two states; either ‘up’ or ‘down’.
The more ‘ups’ we have –the more drastic is the ‘down’. In both states they go wild, and like in a swing – one pole causes going wild in the opposite pole. We run away from the ‘downs’ looking only the ‘up’ (sexual pressures), going out to have a good time, romanticism, fun etc. The more one is addicted to it – the more you want. And so, instead of the power of the emotions being channeled for spiritual and personal growth – they are on wild fire that uses up and flattens and weakens the emotional system.
We are busy licking drops of honey, like in a story be Leo Tolstoy:
“There is an old Eastern fable about a traveler who is taken unawares on the steppes by a ferocious wild animal. In order to escape the beast the traveler hides in an empty well, but at the bottom of the well he sees a dragon with its jaws open, ready to devour him. The poor fellow does not dare to climb out because he is afraid of being eaten by the rapacious beast, neither does he dare drop to the bottom of the well for fear of being eaten by the dragon. So he seizes hold of a branch of a bush that is growing in the crevices of the well and clings on to it. His arms grow weak and he knows that he will soon have to resign himself to the death that awaits him on either side. Yet he still clings on, and while he is holding on to the branch he looks around and sees that two mice, one black and one white, are steadily working their way round the bush he is hanging from, gnawing away at it. Sooner or later they will eat through it and the branch will snap, and he will fall into the jaws of the dragon. The traveler sees this and knows that he will inevitably perish. But while he is still hanging there he sees some drops of honey on the leaves of the bush, stretches out his tongue and licks them”.
Leo Tolstoy, A Confession and Other Religious Writings. ,
Jane Kentish (Translator), (Penguin Classics) Paperback – January 5, 1988.
This addictions to the sweet pleasures of life (honey) does not contribute to personal growth, it weakens it.
We lick one drop and another and another – in the hope that the next honey drop will make us forget the tragedies of life, the top of which is that one day our life would end.
The question isn’t if you enjoy your life, but is: do you use it to grow, become emotionally mature and developed?
When we will reach old age, would it matter to us how much we enjoyed them? Or that we used them to reach a higher level in our self (one expression of this level is: wisdom).
We are all subject to the common approach to life; to reach happiness. But there is another philosophy; it is subversive, the philosophy of pain…
The happy man is usually a sleeping man, not connected to his inner being.
A man is connected to himself through pain, and not because the pain is something exalted (this is romantic), but because the essence of human life is based on pain. We are born with pain and often die with pain, and in between we try to prevent it.
Why is that? Because to be a human is to have a soul, and the soul is locked in a physical body and this state is painful (if we are sensitive and tuned enough) to her. A mention to this prison painful state of the soul is expressed in a song by Cat Stevens: “Sad Lisa”:
She hangs her head and cries on my shirt
She must be hurt very badly
Tell me what’s making you sadly?
Open your door, don’t hide in the dark
You’re lost in the dark, you can trust me
‘Cause you know that’s how it must be
Lisa, Lisa, sad Lisa, Lisa
Her eyes like windows, trickling rain
Upon her pain, getting deeper
Though my love wants to relieve her
She walks alone from wall to wall
Lost in a hall, she can’t hear me
Though I know she likes to be near me
Lisa, Lisa, sad Lisa, Lisa
She sits in a corner by the door
There must be more I can tell her
If she really wants me to help her
I’ll do what I can to show her the way
And maybe one day I will free her
Though I know no one can see her
Lisa, Lisa, sad Lisa, Lisa
From: Tea for the Tillerman the fourth studio album by singer-songwriter Cat Stevens, released in November 1970.
The mere existence of a spiritual being in a hard, crud, material body – is a distress for the soul. Thus, to feel our soul is to feel its stress and pain, and this pain feeling is to be connected to what is real and hidden in us.
Being connected to this pain is to know that happiness is not reachable, but the grace of being connected to one’s soul –is possible. And until then: to be in an ongoing longing.
On the whole, pain is an alarm call that shows that something is not right, the problem starts when there are no more such pains, and it symbolizes the disconnection from the inner being. Therefor we should be in a state of listening to his pains, because through them we can wake up to the real reality.
There are two ways to relate to pain; one is to ignore and repress it (this is the way of ‘sleep’), and the second way is to go with the flashlight of the pain until we reach the place where it hatched from (and thus connect to one’s being). But we wish not to feel the pain, so we cherish fantasies that becomes more real than the soul’s pain.
An authentic feeling is to feel the pain and a rage that comes from the frustration about our inability to be united with our inner being.
To be a full human being, is to feel always that something is missing, and this feeling is the ultimate pain.
——————————————————————-
Quotes:
“But pain’s like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There’s no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface.”
― Katie Kacvinsky
“If you can sit with your pain, listen to your pain and respect your pain — in time you will move through your pain.”
― Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life
“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.”
― Vironika Tugaleva
Emotional pain as a corridor to authenticity
Because of pain and emotional hurts that all of us has gone through, we are busy defending ourselves from the next blow, when the blow does arrive – our emotions are like beaten puppies or beaten children, escaping from emotional pain at all costs.
But here there is a problem; because exactly when, and if at all, a person feels the emotional pain he makes a contact with it, and thnt he begins to be real, authentic.
This is what happens when a beloved leader is being murdered, like John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States. Or like Yitzhak Rabin, the prime minister of Israel – in both cases many people felt great pain, and this connected them to themselves. For a while there were people, in both countries, that were people going around as real people, with real connection to themselves.
The modern adult needs to feel the pain,that he did not allow himself to feel, and after getting used to the living with the emotional pain- daily and intimately (for adult life is an ongoing process of: loss, sadness, rejections and farewells) – maybe than we can, slowly and gradually becomes friends with the pain, and thus neutralize its devastating impact upon us, and (to begin with) not to get into an extreme pain with almost every sharp word someone says to us.
But the present reality of our emotional life is that we are not the ‘boss’ – for almost anyone can ‘spit’ into the ‘well’ of our emotions and so hurt us deeply.
So, what we lack is some kind of immunity, or immune system in the emotions – which could neutralize this emotions pain (identification empowers the pain, while neutralizing it – can block it).
And how it is being done? Well, we take in a small amount of the pain, and this acts as inoculation against the greater pain. So, getting used to accept a small portion of pain, constantly, is a kind of serum against the greater pain.
To be alive is to feel pain; and the more pain one is able to contain, without being affected by it – he becomes more alive.
A person becomes ‘dead’ when he stops feeling pain (as a result of a repression). When someone close to us dies we are allowing ourselves to feel the pain we didn’t allow ourselves to feel normally. This allowances causes us to get out of the usual complacency and opacity and be more alive emotionally.
In fact, people needs this pain. our emotional pains – are us, this is our true identity; this is our identity which is causing us the emotional pain – ‘who am I’? ‘I am the sum total of my emotional pains’.
In fact, we feel pain all the time, waking up in the morning – is painful, when in love – some parte, are painful. (‘when you love someone – you suffer him’), to be in effort, to do, to thrive towards, to have career, relationships – all are full with pain. So, how come we don’t feel it? Well, we either repress it or are assimilating it gradually – and then it is integrated into the system; the first steps, after many months and years in bed – The first steps are painful, but then, with time, you don’t feel it anymore. The same with the Marathon runners; they don’t feel any pain, their body got used to it, now it is part of the system.
In fact, every action is connected to pain; to walk in more painful than seating, to run is more painful than to walk, and to go to a gym is more painful than running. But if a person wants to be fit and in good health – he needs to train his body to work with pain, and the same with our emotional life. But people do not see any justification for why they should feel emotional pain, so they repress and avoid it (as much as possible), but by that they get divorced from their emotions, which then decreases thier life vitality.
This avoidance leaves one in an infantile level – emotionally. The difference between an infantile and a really grown up (not only physically) – is the ability and extent to which one can suffer pain by knowing the reason as for why they have to suffer it.
You cannot grow up and mature if you are not standing in front of pain, but being on the infantile level – one doesn’t see any reason why should pain be present in his life, and this rejection of pain marks the boundaries in which he is locked.
People on a path of spiritual search – want to live life of meaning, to reach achievements in: Yoga, meditation, new age groups, Buddhism, Sufism, and Kabala (just to name a few), but many searchers find it difficult to reach any achievement, for they are stuck. And people are usually stuck in their emotional pain (it draws the borders beyond which the person could not pass), the pains are his prison walls. And because it is not possible for him to suffer the pains, he becomes unconscious of them (by repression).
We all are grownups physically and mentally, but (as was mentioned befotre here – not emotionally. Our emotions are still infantile. A child, when hurt would cry but an adult is supposed not to crack under inflicted pain, (we know this subconsciously), so in the absence of having fully grown and mature emotions – we play the role of an adult which can withstand pain, but inside it is not the case.
Mother should give her child enough emotional protection until he grows up also emotionally, and go out to meet a possibly hostile world, but this doesn’t happen, the emotions remain lacking confidence, venerable and quite helpless in front of a possible emotional attack.
One of the ways to live with the emotional pains – is to find a shelter, a constant support, emotionally and this happens if and when we meet someone that would love us unconditionally
!
Atmospheres of alienation.
In places; work places, homes, in university, everywhere there are atmospheres. They devoid into two: high and low, those atmospheres which conducted a positive dynamic or negative one.
In places with a bad atmosphere, danger is in the air, and those who pick it up and are influenced by it – are highly sensitive persons. A highly sensitive person take the bad atmosphere as he though he is imagines the atmosphere, for the others seem to be less affected.
In such (bad) atmosphere it is easier to hurt and be hurt.
Bad or low atmosphere are being created by negative emotion; fear, anger, antagonism, bitterness, aggression and the like.
In a good atmosphere it is easier to contain an emotional hurt, because of the support which around in good atmospheres.
In a negative atmosphere, almost everyone (mainly the more vulnerable) tries to minimize his presence, so that he will be less hurt. The amazing thing is that those who minimize themselves in a group – not only will not get less attacks, and strangely enough – they will get attacks even more. The aggressive people there will see this minimizing of one self – as a passive aggressive, or weak, or that he is hiding something, and thus perceive him as danger.– and then they attack (because this is what they do).
In a bad atmosphere the sensitive individual feels that he needs to be careful, not to attract ‘fire’ towards him. But this carefulness draws even more ‘fire’…
In an atmosphere of alienation there would be a tendency to interpatate good intentions of the ‘weak’ – the other way around. In an estranged atmosphere we see others as potential enemies, especially when someone is not fully exposed to others by participation. So, those who are most careful will either be ignored or attacked (depending on the level of aggression of the powerful members). As was mentioned -street muggers choose generally weak, closed, careful individuals that might show a sign of weakness.
We can see it in hospitals; the staff is in estrangement with the patients, (which creates a negative atmosphere), their needy and helpless position, will cause in the staff and attitude of mild hostility towards them, more than towards confident and outspoken patients.
Estrangement is in not seeing the other from his own eyes.
From the standpoint of the possible victim not only that he is hurt but others in an alienated atmosphere. But he also feels as a great injustice id happening to him, for he tries ‘not to make waves’ and be nonaggressive – but despite that – he is being attacked and hurt. He is minimizing the size of the territory, but to his surprise, the aggressive ones not only will not appreciate his territorial shrinkage, but they will want to tear from him even the little territory is has got.
And the possible victim will not say what he feels, but rather what will supply to him maximum protection.
In a way, what we have here is this old saying of Darwin: “Survival of the fittest”, which is usually on the account of those who appear helpless or weak. But we, human, should not fall into this primitive inclination, and because of our humanity and consciousness (that we are supposed to have as part of our emotional maturity). – will help those in need not to be attacked.
(For further reading about how to deal with not being hurt – in the last chapter: ”what to do.
The philosophy of pain against the happiness philosophy.
Our emotions are the dearest asset we have, for they are an incredible power, a highly powerful engine fuel.
The emotions are very compostable burning material – instead of being channeled so it would be a great push for spiritual and personal growth – it is a wild fire that burns great amount of power of the emotional engine.
The philosophy and world view of most people is to live for happiness, everything convinces us about the happiness philosophy. Here it is written about a different, (subversive) philosophy; the philosophy of pain.
Despite our addiction to the idea of happiness, and the avoidance of emotional pain, a person connects to himself through emotional pain. We are born from pain die in pain, and in between we should not sink into the forgetfulness that happiness brings.
But why, why to be alive is to be in pain? Because to be a human is to be his soul, and the soul suffers in the material prison (the physical body and social norms and conditioning), and not be able to reach her is pain, and reaching her is feeling her pain, so it is pain one way or another.
The mere fact of having a spiritual entity (soul) in a body is a stress for her. The mere connection of a spiritual being to something hard, material and crud – is a stress for the soul.
Therefore, to feel our soul is to feel her pains, and feeling her pain is to be connected to what is real in us. It is a real emotional pain that cannot be softened, or cause it to disappear. This is our human fate – to feel always not satisfied, to feel the pain caused by this lack of satisfaction, and only to continue to long for it.
Generally, pain is an alarm bell about something inside which is not ok, the problem begins when there are no more soul pains, and this symbolizes the disconnection from our inner being. Therefore, a person has to be Intune, and listening, to his pains, because through them he can connect back to his inner being.
There are 2 ways to relate to nonphysical pains: one is to ignore and repress it, which is the way of sleep, and the second way is to pay attention to it, to follow the flashlight of the pain – till the place from which it was hatched and to connect to it.
Any such deep pain says that you are not with your inner being, you have been separated from your true home and then you return with the pain to the inner being (the soul), to the inner home.
When you don’t feel this deep pain, it is a sign that you are disconnected, you are homeless, and need to return home.
To be a human means: to feel that always something is missing, and to feel that something is missing – is the ultimate pain.
Emotional pain as a corridor to authenticity
Because of pain and emotional hurts that all of us has gone through, we are busy defending ourselves from the next blow, when the blow does arrive – our emotions are like beaten puppies or beaten children, escaping from emotional pain at all costs.
But here there is a problem; because exactly when, and if at all, a person feels the emotional pain he makes a contact with it, and thnt he begins to be real, authentic.
This is what happens when a beloved leader is being murdered, like John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States. Or like Yitzhak Rabin, the prime minister of Israel – in both cases many people felt great pain, and this connected them to themselves. For a while there were people, in both countries, that were people going around as real people, with real connection to themselves.
The modern adult needs to feel the pain,that he did not allow himself to feel, and after getting used to the living with the emotional pain- daily and intimately (for adult life is an ongoing process of: loss, sadness, rejections and farewells) – maybe than we can, slowly and gradually becomes friends with the pain, and thus neutralize its devastating impact upon us, and (to begin with) not to get into an extreme pain with almost every sharp word someone says to us.
But the present reality of our emotional life is that we are not the ‘boss’ – for almost anyone can ‘spit’ into the ‘well’ of our emotions and so hurt us deeply.
So, what we lack is some kind of immunity, or immune system in the emotions – which could neutralize this emotions pain (identification empowers the pain, while neutralizing it – can block it).
And how it is being done? Well, we take in a small amount of the pain, and this acts as inoculation against the greater pain. So, getting used to accept a small portion of pain, constantly, is a kind of serum against the greater pain.
To be alive is to feel pain; and the more pain one is able to contain, without being affected by it – he becomes more alive.
A person becomes ‘dead’ when he stops feeling pain (as a result of a repression). When someone close to us dies we are allowing ourselves to feel the pain we didn’t allow ourselves to feel normally. This allowances causes us to get out of the usual complacency and opacity and be more alive emotionally.
In fact, people needs this pain. our emotional pains – are us, this is our true identity; this is our identity which is causing us the emotional pain – ‘who am I’? ‘I am the sum total of my emotional pains’.
In fact, we feel pain all the time, waking up in the morning – is painful, when in love – some parte, are painful. (‘when you love someone – you suffer him’), to be in effort, to do, to thrive towards, to have career, relationships – all are full with pain. So, how come we don’t feel it? Well, we either repress it or are assimilating it gradually – and then it is integrated into the system; the first steps, after many months and years in bed – The first steps are painful, but then, with time, you don’t feel it anymore. The same with the Marathon runners; they don’t feel any pain, their body got used to it, now it is part of the system.
In fact, every action is connected to pain; to walk in more painful than seating, to run is more painful than to walk, and to go to a gym is more painful than running. But if a person wants to be fit and in good health – he needs to train his body to work with pain, and the same with our emotional life. But people do not see any justification for why they should feel emotional pain, so they repress and avoid it (as much as possible), but by that they get divorced from their emotions, which then decreases thier life vitality.
This avoidance leaves one in an infantile level – emotionally. The difference between an infantile and a really grown up (not only physically) – is the ability and extent to which one can suffer pain by knowing the reason as for why they have to suffer it.
You cannot grow up and mature if you are not standing in front of pain, but being on the infantile level – one doesn’t see any reason why should pain be present in his life, and this rejection of pain marks the boundaries in which he is locked.
People on a path of spiritual search – want to live life of meaning, to reach achievements in: Yoga, meditation, new age groups, Buddhism, Sufism, and Kabala (just to name a few), but many searchers find it difficult to reach any achievement, for they are stuck. And people are usually stuck in their emotional pain (it draws the borders beyond which the person could not pass), the pains are his prison walls. And because it is not possible for him to suffer the pains, he becomes unconscious of them (by repression).
We all are grownups physically and mentally, but (as was mentioned befotre here – not emotionally. Our emotions are still infantile. A child, when hurt would cry but an adult is supposed not to crack under inflicted pain, (we know this subconsciously), so in the absence of having fully grown and mature emotions – we play the role of an adult which can withstand pain, but inside it is not the case.
Mother should give her child enough emotional protection until he grows up also emotionally, and go out to meet a possibly hostile world, but this doesn’t happen, the emotions remain lacking confidence, venerable and quite helpless in front of a possible emotional attack.
One of the ways to live with the emotional pains – is to find a shelter, a constant support, emotionally and this happens if and when we meet someone that would love us unconditionally!
——————————————————————-
Why do we get hurt from people who are close to us?
Sometimes a sentence like that could be heard: “what is the matter with you (or us), why do I quarrel with you almost all the time, and with him/her I did not have any fights”?
Well, communication difficulties and the most frequent fights – are with those who are close to us.
The terrible thing in a fight is the hurt we do to the people who are closest to us. People who fight are people who hurt each other. We fight, we hurt, and we get hurt.
We are hurt mostly by those who are dear to us, those with whom we are in intimate relationship with. Intimacy is a soul closeness. The greater is the closeness – the chances for getting hurt, or hurting the other – are greater.
But why it is like that? Why intimacy causes hurt? The answer could be seen on the physical level; physical hurt (or injury) is possible, basically, only from a close (or close enough) distance, and the same with emotional hurt. Being close and near allows a hit. The further away he is from us – the more it is difficult to hit him and be hit.
And then could be a situation of a person close to us physically and not emotionally (let’s say, a person who work with us) and there will be hurts, but not +difficult ones. And there is a situation that there is a person close to us emotionally but is far away physically – and then it will be more severe than the former situation, but the greater hurt will be caused by people who are close to us- physically and emotionally.
So, intimacy is a fertile ground for emotional hurts, when we intimate with someone – every tiny hurt will reach to a painful hurt felling. It is difficult to be yourself (authentic) with an intimate mate, without part of you is getting hurt.
Intimacy is not the only condition to be hurt emotionally, we will be not so hurt by people who are like us, because then no conflict will break out, conflict is being created on the background of difference. So, it is the combination of intimacy and difference in nature and character (in few parameters) which is responsible for emotional hurt. Another elements which influence getting hurt is the degree of dominance of the one who hurts the other, the more he is forceful and aggressive – so he will hurt the other more, and this is because it is important for him that things will go on his way, and in order for this to happen he blocks the other and hurt him.
So far we saw 3 elements that contribute to the hurt:
- Intimacy
- Difference in personality.
- Aggression from the hurting side.
But it is not enough. All the three do not say that the other side must be hurt. People are getting hurt deeply because they are taking it personally, (as though it was said in order to hurt).
A rule inanimate relationships is never to take the other personally, no matter what he says, (for the preciousness of intimacy must overrule any hurt possible).
But what would determine how the hurt would be received? Well, the ability not to take the hurt of another upon us, personally depends almost completely, on: emotional maturity.
Emotional maturity in relationship is to experience the other as he is, (from his viewpoint) – and not according to the pleasure or suffering he is causing us.
The opposite is also true; emotional infancy is to experience the other according to the pleasure or pain that he is causing us.
In order to be emotionally mature the person has to elevate above the pain he is getting from the other.
How do you know that you are emotionally mature when you love the other? You suffer him! (To love someone is to suffer him).
If a person entering an intimate relationship- without emotional maturity, is inviting for himself emotional disasters, (for the one who was hurt).
Intimacy and emotional maturity need to go hand in hand; Intimacy without emotional maturity could lead indeed to closeness of their souls but also to hurt. Emotional maturity without intimacy would lead to alienation and estrangement.
Intimacy and E.M. (emotional maturity) are, in fact, opposites.
Intimacy without E.M. is coming to the relationship with the approach of ‘I deserve’, this approach (which is possible between adults without E.M.) brings about a lot of pain. Intimacy needs the opposite pole in order to balance itself. And again; the greater is the intimacy, so is the need to grow an E.M. attitude.
Another parameter in emotional hurt is the intensity of the relationship. In this kind of relationship – the power of the hurt will be greater. And also, the more the hurting person would be powerful – so the pain that it causes will be greater. (All this requires great E.M. of both sides).
The equation for this is:
Intimacy + power and intensity + dominance = emotional hurt.
E.H. minus intimacy and minus E.M. will bring the E.H. to explosive levels.
So, if the hurting side will do it with human warmth and compassion, and to the one being hurt there is an E.M. than the emotional hurt could be decreased to minimum.
Emotional wound and injuries
Vincent van Gogh’s 1890 painting
Sorrowing old man (‘At Eternity’s Gate’), where a man weeps due to the unpleasant feelings of emotional pain.
A definition of emotional hurt: to cause emotional pain or distress to someone.
If you say something demeaning to somebody, it does hurt them inside and it makes them feel deep pain emotionally… That’s emotionally hurt, (or emotionally injured, or emotionally damaged, or emotionally abused, or an emotional harm).
Unlike a physical injury which usually heals in a short time, verbal and emotional hurt is usually cumulative.
Unlike physical wounds, that heal naturally leaving only a scar, verbal and emotional wounds, left untreated, tend not to heal. These wounds are often hidden out of sight and become a part of how we act and react.
Unlike physical wounds, which hurt us on the outside, verbal and emotional wounds go to the deepest parts of us. Any physical wound going so deep would be fatal. And if left untreated long enough, prolonged verbal or emotional hurt can also be quiet fatal, emotionally.
Hurt is something that everyone has experienced. People experience both emotional hurt and physical hurt. Although physical hurt can be very painful, it is emotional hurt that is harder to get over it, and, because it is an ‘unseen’ hurt, sometimes emotional hurt goes unrecognized.
During our life we don’t feel how much we are loaded with emotional hurt (E.H.) and this is because we cannot stand the emotional pain that was caused by the E.H. It is true that it hurts less when the pain is being repressed, but the damage is greater…
And so it happens that most of our E.H. live in our subconscious. And there they can either grow or weaken, and the question is: what will be strengthen in us and what would weaken, the answer is in the Cherokee Indian story:
“An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
It is all questions of what in him the person is feeding. Is he feeding the E.H.?
If he is thinking about it – gives it power, it will grow.
Usually the current E.H. is not there by itself, it connects to E.H. from the past that was already living in the subconscious (repressed). And so it gets power from all similar E.H. that are buried inside.
One the paradigms behind E.H. could be a paradigm of the need to get hurt… meaning; there are cases in which the need to get hurt serves something in the person. Let’s assume that he has a paradigm that he is not o.k. and that he feels that he should be punished, and when he is getting hurt it decreases the feeling that ‘I am not ok’, because I get the punishment that I deserve…
On the whole, with all which is connected to E.H. there are two contradictory motivations; one is to move away from the place in which he could be hurt, and the other motivation is (on the contrary) is a motivation to arrive to where he could be hurt, and this is because (as was written) he feels a need to be emotionally punished.
So, The E.H. has got two routes in which a person being hurt is ‘traveling’ on, one is the ‘healthy route’, the other is the ‘sick rout’. The ‘healthy route’ is to distance oneself from people that can hurt him, the second route, and the sick one, is to return again and again to the same people that hurt him before.
For example, a woman who is being hurt by a beating partner, she either disassociate with such a man (the ‘healthy route’), and the ‘sick route’ is returning again and again to relationship with such man.
And there is another point concerning the ‘sick route’, and this is true for certain women, they return to the hurting male because she wants to be under his protection against other aggressive man, in the hope that he would appreciate that she agrees to be with him and will not hurt her and will protect her from forceful men. But in most cases his violent nature causes him to hurt her more instead of protecting her. (The story of the Toad and the Scorpion)
And when it happens several times, a pattern is being created (a pattern is the repeated or regular way in which something happens or is done repeatedly).
Patterns in communication are also called: games; A fixed game pattern does not allow learning and progression and each time it produce the same loop.
In the ‘sick rout’ there is self-deception, by a naïve hope (about getting protection) that usually doesn’t get actualized.
In this route there is a need, and as was written, the need (of women in some cases) is to be with someone strong, but often he is, in fact, forceful and abusive. This pattern of weak and victimized women that fall in love with forceful men is quiet common, and dominant and aggressive males cannot resist the temptation to abuse the woman which is with him, and then she is in a loop, in a circle. She suffers his emotional abuse but she returns to him because she needs a strong protecting male.
This is a loop that locks her in a game-pattern of: victim and a victimizer. But if at a certain point in the relationship her degree of suffering accedes her need for a protecting man – she would probably disconnect from him.
Usually, a woman that succeeded to get out of this destructive loop is a woman with self-respect who is not willing to be humiliated from a certain point onwards.
Accept women that fall in this destructive loop, there is a group of people who suffer a lot from emotional abuse; they are called: highly sensitive persons, they especially are getting hurt most of the time, and like the women of before, a sensitive person needs a lot of self-respect in order to free himself from the destructive loop. One of the reasons for them returning again and again to it could be because loneliness is worse… But be the reason what it may, like the victimized woman in a ‘sick relationship’, the highly sensitive person is often in a catch.
There is an element that in this stage should come into the picture, and it is: self-esteem. Low self-esteem can bring the one who was hurt back to the one who hurt him, again and again, and this is because he believes that there is something in him which is not right, and his guilt feelings lead him to the need to be punished, in the form of emotional hurt. And that something that he sees in him as ‘not right’ is actually his over-soul, the vibrancy and potency of his soul, just that when he sees himself through the eyes of the status quo – he sees his inner beauty as weakness.
There are people (mostly highly sensitive persons) that are born with high quality (in the soul level), and this is like a double edge sword; sharp in both ends – sensitive to high things and sensitive to low things. This sensitivity is interpreted by the herd mentality (and by forceful people) as weakness.
This sensitivity, together with low self-esteem – is for forceful people like a magnet, it transmits signs of weakness, in his eyes – a victim is an invitation and he couldn’t hold back. Meaning that the both; the victim and the victimizer are in a loop; he could not hurt and the highly sensitive could not be not hurt.
To this arena of the serial victims we can add children, especially highly sensitive children, they could become the victims and scapegoats of their family, a drainage pipe through which the family is channeling their frustrations and problems.
R. D. Laing, mainly in his book: “The divided self writes about it a lot; he even says that the schizophrenics in a family are its scapegoats.
According to him, Part of what might bring about schizophrenia – is not necessarily his own ‘luggage’, but belongs to the family members that glorify themselves about being sane, but in fact they get reed of problematic ‘luggage’ through the family scapegoat.
And how does one becomes a scapegoat? By getting emotionally hurt repeatedly.
Children are a weak population, when they are young, they don’t obey yet to social norms, by this the child is making his upbringing difficult, for his parents needs to see him adhering to the social norms, and one of the ways, they feel, can bring the child back to the route is to hurt him emotionally; ”you are no good”, “nothing good will come out of you”, “you good for nothing” and the like.
Another reason for why parents get frustrated is that the kids (and especially, the highly sensitive and the outsiders) who do not take the conventional path – is fear (that the child will not manage to get along in life) and rage (about the child, apparently, choosing the wrong route) and from there the road to hurt the child emotionally – is short.
With it, the parent’s intention is good, he means to say something like: “be careful, don’t behave like this, you will be hurt”, and because he is afraid that the child would not pay attention to his warning – he hurts him. (Because he believes that this would be more effective…).
Usually this is not successful and only makes the child to be more victimize, and this is a tragedy. The truth is that you could not train anyone through negative reinforcement, it never works, and it only creates in the child low self-esteem. The danger that awaits many parents is to think that the whiplash of the negative reinforcement is most effective.
Gabriel
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