Chapter 1 -Emotional maturity and infantile emotions
Part one:
In dealing with emotions it is impossible to do it without this two opposite terms: ‘Being emotionally mature’ and ‘being emotionally infantile’.
But why is there at all a stage of being infantile emotionally?
Well, the emotions do not grow and mature automatically, like the body that its organs reach ripeness and top functionality in a specific time span.
The emotions need to go through a certain process that will transform them from a raw state of: chaos consumption and ego orientated state – to a state of inner organization and balanced function and also emotional ability to recognize, and manage emotions at different stages of life and to have empathy for the emotions of others.
And now to explain; let’s take aggression; when we are being attacked – we respond (mostly) in one or two way: either attack back or are lowering our profile, give up our position and trying to please the attacker.
The first is aggressive, the second – regressive, both are on the emotionally infantile level. The third response is assertive and belong to the emotionally mature person, and he can navigate his emotions (and this in contrary to the first two who are victims of their emotional polarity), and he can decide if he can stand on his own or give up. He has got a choice, when the emotionally infantile has no choice. His emotional polarity is deciding for him. The emotionally mature responds in a wise way, he doesn’t have to respond, he responds if he finds it right, and this is opposite to the emotionally infantile, that reacts impulsively.
The same about the relation to suffering and pain; the emotionally mature accepts them as part of life, whereas the emotionally infantile wonders as to why he deserves it at all, what did he do that it falls upon him? He take the ‘mine fields’ of his life – personally.
The emotionally mature relates to his suffering and pain in a stoic way (a particular school of Hellenistic philosophy: Stoicism[i]); being indifferent to the vicissitudes of fortune and to pleasure and pain. Or is trying to find a meaning in it or as a price for something. For example: in being in love; the E.M. (emotionally mature) doesn’t get into a shock when being heartbroken by his loved one, he understands that: to love someone is to suffer it. He knows that the measurement of the value of something or somebody, is always through the price the person is willing to pay for it or him/her. This conception stems out of emotional maturity.
But, the passage from infantile to mature – emotions, is by no means, a simple process, and in fact, it is a kind of an Alchemical[ii] process, a process of a change in the state of matter, a metamorphosis. Something low is going through a quantum leap[iii] – purifies, refines, and is stabilized on a higher level. And there – he is still him, but is also something else.
The analogy in Alchemy is the turning of lad (emotions in an infantile level) to gold (emotions on a high level; the higher emotional body). It is the same metal, but at the same time it is a different metal.
There is a difference of value between the two metals, the first is cheap and common, and the second is an expensive and rare metal.
And back to what happens to a person after he went through the process of turning lad into gold; well, he doesn’t allow the ego to be strengthened and be built, by connecting to infantile emotions.
The emotionally mature understands that he is lucky if anyone relates and deals with him, at all. In other words, he knows and understands that realistically, emotional communication between people is made, to a large extent, from ego and fantasy, therefore he is approaching the other in the approach of: an emotional give and take. He is coming from the base of emotional contract, which is based on being authentic from one hand and give full space from the other.
Part two:
This could sound quiet simple, even schematic to certain extent, but in reality the difference between both is more cunning, and why cunning? In our society the emotional infantile – learned to disguise itself and appear adult and mature. People repress infantile emotions and they behave and look as though they are completely emotionally mature.
But how do we know that under the cover of the mature – hides an infantile emotionally? Well, by his response when he gets emotional hurt. (This is an effective test); the mature externalizes it; either by opening it up or doing creative work with it. The infantile is taking it in, becomes glued to it, cannot let go, this is identification (with the hurt, with the injustice), and the final stage is called: personal involvement). The infantile gets terribly hurt because they are not protected by a neutral-mature protection.
Another point which characterize the emotionally infantile is the way he communicates with others; he is sensitive to his ego and hardly sensitive to the ego of others. And in his communicational transactions – he talks mainly about himself, and hardly give feedback to others about themselves. This causes much work for others, who has to guess (in the absence of a feedback) how the emotionally infantile is receiving him.
And as for the E.M. His insistence is to give feedback, for giving feedback to the others in communicational transaction –transmits to the other, an interest in him because of him being him, and not because of anything else. The E.M.’s feedback does not relate to facts but reflects and exposes to the other the internal position of the E.M. in relation to the content of what has been said. He is not relating to the facts being said, but to the intention behind them.
And as of the emotionally infantile (E.I.) – researches show that while they are putting on a front of E.M. – their emotions are not in control. So, according to this – the more efforts the E.I. would invest in behaving in an E.M. way (“I don’t have personal interests, I just present facts”) – so would the infantile part would intensified, for in the absence of monitoring and inspection, the infantile emotions could only go wild even more.
We got used to believe that grownups do things from realistic and rational stand point, but in reality it is their emotions that navigate thier, so called, rational decisions. While the E.M. is operating from an inner center of gravity (their being) and not from childish emotions.
Part three:
One of the characteristics of the E.I. is the phenomenon of excitement; a heating up of emotional energy. Almost anything puts him into emotional high voltage or some sort of emotional orgy.
This is strange for the E.M. – his emotions are cool and calm. Excitement of emotions in the E.M. person is, for him, like the lines appearing on the television screen when operating an electrical equipment. Therefore he is very careful from excitement or anything which might heat his emotions, for than, his consciousness screen will be full with disturbances.
And what about inner peace in the E.I.? Well, he is mostly in one or two poles (states); either excitement or inner emptiness. While the E.M. is in one state only; peacefulness of the emotions.
This state does not arrive by itself, for the E.M. person is watching all the time that his emotions would not go over a certain level of excitement. He stops it before the flood, only than he succeeds not to become a victim for the current stimulation. And then he is not kidnaped by is overflowing emotions.
Being over exited is like the emotions become inflammable. But the emotions should not be inflammable at all, what should catch fire is spirituality. The emotions are like the liquids surrounding the brain, it is the brain that should catch fire not the liquid around it. It is there to protect it, to cool it, and so it is with the infantile emotions.
Another analogy about the relations between the emotions and spirituality is an army camp and the guard at the camp’s gate. The guard is the I.E. and the army base itself is the inner being. In order to reach the inner being one must go through the emotions (the guard), but if they are not tamed and peaceful, the guest could not enter the camp, because the I.E. are too dominant, the emotions in the infantile stage will ‘still’ the experience and will not let the experience (the visitor to the army camp) reach the spiritual realms and allow it to catch fire, instead of this the emotions themselves catch fire…
In the E.M. person the emotions do not block the passage of an experience into his inner center of gravity.
The emotions can allow or block (by overheating) and ‘kidnap’ the experience, and the inner core remains starved for new experiences. And then the person feels inner emptiness.
Another analogy is the sunlight; the I.E. ‘breaks’ the rays and become colorful instead of the rays continue inside to the inner being.
When observing an E.M. person – no color is seen, in fact, he looks grey. Whereas as when looking at an E.I. person he looks colorful, and full of happenings, and people who see this say: ‘great, he is so full of life’…
And here is a paradox; the E.I. is perceived full of life whereas the E.M. is perceived cold and not approachable emotionally…
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Quotes:
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Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values.
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[i] Stoicism, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.
[ii] Principe, Lawrence M. (2012). The Secrets of Alchemy. doi:10.7208/chicago/9780226923789.001.0001. ISBN 9780226103792.
- Principe, Lawrence and William Newman. Alchemy Tried in the Fire: Starkey, Boyle, and the Fate of Helmontian Chymistry. University of Chicago Press, 2002.
- Lindsay, Jack. The Origins of Alchemy in Greco-Roman Egypt. Barnes & Noble, 1970.
- [ii] Barrett, Julie, The A–Z of Quantum Leap. Boxtree Ltd., London 1995. ISBN 0-7522-0628-1
- Chunovic, Louis, Quantum Leap Book. Boxtree Ltd., London 1993. ISBN 1-85283-866-3
- Schuster, Hal, The Making of Quantum Leap. HarperCollins, London 1996. ISBN 0-06-105438-0
Chapter 2. More on the mature way for the emotions
Part one:
In the beginning of a relationship there is usually a great wave of an uplifting, and then they shower great love on each other. This is what is usually on a normal average level, but let’s assume that the common way of reacting here is not the only way possible to experience love and there is another; higher, more mature. How is the relationship if and when they are on that level?
At this level the energies of love are gradual and get intensified slowly, a person on the high level in a relationship is not giving immediately everything, in an outburst of love. Love on a high, or mature, level – is continuous, steady, without dramatic ups and downs.
Love that begins with high temperature will also suffer from a big drops. So emotional love on a higher level is less hot, less burning, more of fine quality, and mainly steady and stable.
Emotional extremism is not necessarily a sign of healthy and balanced love. It is true that the coldness of alienation (in a relationship) is terrible, but also the other end; of hot emotions, could burn (as much as it could freeze).
The emotions of an emotional mature person (a person who reached a high level in his personal level) – are emotions that got moderated, the warmth is steady and they are in ‘the middle way’[iii] (or ‘middle path’). You can trust this person’s emotions – that will always be there with the same stable giving or acceptence. And this is in contrary to the emotions of a person who is not emotionally mature; that one day his emotions can burn and in the other, it can freeze. With it, moderate emotional giving could be perceived by people with infantile emotions – as coldness and not caring.
The emotionally mature person might not love with passion and impulsiveness – but his emotional expression is containing an important element; human warmth.
Human warmth never burns, it is warm enough to warm in the hard winter of the cosmic and human – alienation. Moderate heat (warmth) is gentle, and gentle emotions connect and ‘talk’ to the soul (for she recoils anything too extreme).
The high (or mature) end of the emotions calms you down.
In this level the emotions ‘live’ in a quiet lake.
Human warmth is close to the soul (calming and securing it). Hot emotions are close to the level of the blood (heating and aggravating it).
The whole idea of emotional maturity, is to pass from the ‘burning’ side, to the gentle and warm side.
If it (the emotions) is too hot, then it puts the soul out of the game.
It is like the difference between a laugh and a smile; laugh is hot, smile is warm. Laugh is a discharge, smile is harmony.
Lugh is aggressive, the smile – gentle. The smile is communicative on the level of the soul, allows the smiler to open up to you from the inside.
(The smile can ‘hug’ without crashing…).
It is easy to blame the British, whose emotions are gentle – in emotional coldness, but what they do is keep contact with their soul. It is not coldness of alienation and of the closing the door, but it says that he will not burn your delicate fuses.
(Gentle people are also deeper, like in the great British theater).
Part two:
The emotions should be a calm lake.
It is like the gold reserves at fort Knox, they are known as the Bullion Depository in the U.S.A. – which operates according to the gold standard. A gold standard is a monetary system in which the standard economic unit of account is based on a fixed quantity of gold. They are not allowed to be touched for they act as a store of value, to support, for the value of the national currency.
But we do not treat our emotions as the Gold in Fort Knox, we all the time use and overuse our emotions and we heat them up with every emotional stimulation and by that – we waste them.
When an emotions gets exited – the soul shrinks.
But cooling the emotion – does not mean to repressed it. Repression and depression of the emotions is to crush them. If the emotions are fire – then depressing the emotion is to turn of the fire, and then we and the soul, ‘freeze to death’. So, the right way is to remain on mild warmth; human warmth.
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Quotes:
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“So do not ignore your emotions. Instead, recognize them, step back to make sure they are not overpowering your ability to act, and determine how you can channel them to act in a productive manner. If you are able to do this, you will become a master of emotional maturity.”
― Charlotte Maloney, Emotional Maturity: Discover How to Control Your Emotions and Be More Mature.
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Chapter 3. Emotions the great parasite.
It is difficult to grasp; but emotions could be the parasite that comes instead of life, they are the greatest robber of the life of a person.
As with all Parasites, the emotions feed off their hosts–energy in this case. As they feed, they grow. The parasite of the emotions grow and gain strength over time and influence and even, in extreme cases, almost take over.
The forces and energies of life should come and go through us. We should let life come to, and through, us – but we are too full with our emotions.
We should present emptiness to those energies of life. But our emotions took over this emptiness, and whatever comes into us get blocked and ‘eaten’ by our emotions.
We believe that receiving our experiences through the emotions – is real living. But we confuse between the energies of life (Gurdjieff calls them: impressions) and the energies of the emotions. You either process life or your emotions.
They are a kind of parasite, because they robe our experiences on their way into to us. This experiences are not meant to get to our en=motions but to our being and inner core.
The first rull for a spiritual seeker is to overcome the dominance of our emotions that has overgrown their original size.
On a high level the person has get rich and powerful life going through him, freely, without the emotions consuming it.
Having negative or positive emotions – are secondary to the forces of life moving through him.
We should elevate above the glass ceiling of our emotions.
This kind of a person has got a presence.
Part two:
For a person living through his being and not through his emotions, there is a presence, something that does not come from the emotions but from deep within, and so it is powerful.
His life is so full that they create around him lots of happenings. As much as he is a recipient of forces and energies – he is creating happenings around him.
This is happening for him without him being in an effort.
His life is a great happening, stemming from his depth.
When he meets other people it is difficult for the people he meets- to ‘put the finger’ on what it is about him which is special, for he does not touch their emotions, but something deeper in them; their soul (which most of them are not in contact with). Their emotions remain cold towards him.
A person who is connected to his life does not work from his emotions. Most people are doing emotional manipulations one upon the other, they are playing emotional games, fulfill emotional roles; the policeman, the prisoner, the aggressor and so on.
More about emotional games people play, in the book: Berne, Eric (1964). Games People Play – The Basic Hand Book of Transactional Analysis. New York: Ballantine Books
Chapter 4 – Management of emotions.
Part one, emotional management in two directions:
All human beings has got a great difficulty to manage their emotions. This does not come just by living and growing up, if we don’t learn and practice it, we cannot manage them.
The key sentence here is: what you don’t manage – manages you. And to do with the emotions – the same; either they manage you (usually) or you manage them.
Until a person learns to manage his emotions, they are in a state of chaos. Emotions are a great vitality, that could be channeled, so it would nourish the system, but if this vitality is not channeled – it overflows the system and barriers under it – everything.
The ability to manage the emotions is one of the signs for the person having an emotional maturity. And E.M. (emotional maturity), in contrary to physical maturity, it is not automatic and does not happen by itself. In a child – his emotions take him over, with the adult it was supposed to be different, but it is rarely like that, for in order to pass from a state of emotional infancy to E.M. – the person has to moderate, restrain and channel the activity of the emotions in him.
If he wouldn’t do so, he won’t be able to be connected to his inner life, from one, and to his consciousness level, from the other – because his emotions will always take control.
In emotional management there are two dynamic states, and both should be handled and managed well.
State A: this is a state in which a stimuli enters the system and causes a thrill.
State B: an emotion get stimulated from within, and goes out of the system and into the world.
In state A stimuli causes an emotion, in state B an emotion is about to express itself.
In state A it is from the outside in, in state B it is from the inside out.
All stimulations and emotions divide themselves into two: positive and negative; those which cause us a wave of good feeling and those that cause us a wave of not good, negative emotions or feelings.
In good feeling emotions, there is no need to manage, for they inflict no damage, what does causes damage are the negative emotions, those that one need to learn how to manage them. (To manage, not to cancel – there is a difference).
The more the inner life of a person aspire for a higher level (and to a self-actualization) – so there needs to be a greater selection about what enters in.
It is like an entrance into a public place – anyone can enter and be there, but if it is a prestigious office or members club, or a security zone – not anyone can enter.
The level of what is inside – conditions the identity of who would enter.
If a human cell did not have an ability to filter what does not fit it – it would be poisoned long ago.
The membrane of the cell was meant, amongst other things, to filter materials, and it allows only part of the materials to enter in and out. And it is not like that as far as the emotions are concerned; damaging or even poisonous emotions can enter free.
We understand very well that there are foods which are harmful (unwashed fruits, margarine, food coloring and more, also there is poisonous food like certain mushrooms), but what we understand physically- we don’t understand emotionally.
And the moral? Well, negative emotions are like pests in the garden, they can cause damage and therefore they are unwanted guests. In communication the ‘pests’ cause a kind of opacity between the two communicators.
Until a person is not doing a separation between positive and negative emotions and knows how to filter out the negative ones – the positive side of his emotions will become a victim of the negative ones.
Positive stimuli come in order to reword and refine the emotional system, negative stimuli come in order to harm and cause negative reactions.
The challenge in state A (the entrance of a stimuli that causes an emotion) is not to allow to a negative stimuli to enter in (if it does enter – it causes chaos in the emotional system), and from the view point of a graphic dynamic – a negative spiral is being created).
The challenge in state B (the going out of an emotion towards another human) – is not to allow it to get out of control by reaching high volume. And the parameters that should be managed here, in the expression of emotions, are: the heat, the pressure and speed that are allowed (in emotional expression).
So, in both cases there is a need to restrain and to modify an extreme emotional reaction.
In first case, state A – the restraint is from the stimuli and inwards; when a stimuli (such as insult, a blame, an accusation etc.) is about to create a negative dynamic.
In the second case, state B – the restraint should be done from negative emotion such as: rage, anger etc. – and out; expression of negative emotions.
What causes, in the two states, the extreme emotion – is the identification of the person with it.
The identification causes the expressed emotion to be extreme and to reach distractive volume.
In state A the identification will through the person into a dungeon of poisonous emotional gas. In state B the expressed negative emotion will cause his relationship with another to get lost in the stormy wave of the boiling emotion.
In state A the penetration of a negative stimuli into the emotional system – leads to be locked in a negative spiral. In state B the surrender to an extreme in emotional expression, would lead to exhaustion (in the higher faculties), because high emotional energies got burnt during the heating of the emotions.
And to elaborate about each state, separately:
Part two – state A, a stimuli which causing an emotion.
When a stimuli is reaching the emotions, we can intervene and we can abstain. Intervention is being created by identification with the positive or (mostly) the negative aspects of the emotions.
Identification is to get lost in an emotion, and when it happens the person doesn’t differentiate between the identification and an emotion, they become one, identification is a glue. And it is not that both become one, but in identification – the hurt emotion take over and swallows his identity.
Now, from the standpoint of the penetration of the stimuli into the emotional system, the identification gives to the negative stimuli power of movement (it exhilarates it) – and by that allows it to enter deeply into the emotional system. Without this identification – the stimuli would have remained powerless. The stimuli (the hurt emotion) could have been created by someone close who betrayed our trust, or someone criticizing us, or is answering us in a rude and demeaning way.
The identification causes the entering of a negative (hurting) stimuli to become overcharged. At first stage their effect on the emotional system is of a chaos; as a fox entering a chicken coop. At the second stage the emotions become locked, all freezes and the person becomes disconnected from himself and from a dynamic communication with the other. This state of being locked and then disconnected – is called: personal involvement.
So, the power of the inner echo in the emotional chambers (in response to negative stimuli) – is being created more because of the degree and power of our identification rather than the power of the negative stimuli itself.
So, if we have from one hand a powerful negative stimuli with weak identification – we don’t get much personal involvement, but if from the other hand –we get a weak stimuli and a powerful identification – what we get is a huge personal involvement.
And so, if a person gets into emotional crisis (personal involvement) – as a result of a strong echo of the emotions in response to a negative stimuli – It is almost never because of a very negative reason, as for the power of the identification with it.
Identification causes us to get lost in the negative stimuli that threatens our emotional peace. We cease to be an entity which is intricate and autonomic and what takes us over is over involvement with the emotional threat (negative stimuli).
Because of over identification with emotional threats (from other people) – we became a ‘musical instrument’ for this threats and they are playing on us and we echo them with all our might. In fact almost every stimuli is causes us to identify with the positive and mostly, negative aspect
But the ‘news’ is that the person has got a choice; he doesn’t have to identify, to be involved, and to get lost in the negative stimuli. He can disconnect the power flow, not to let the stimulation have power and by that to eliminate it from being so destructive. Instead of getting near the stimuli and be swallowed it – he can distance himself; create a distance between him and the negative stimuli.
And so, in order to prevent the ‘echo’ and to leave the stimuli on the level of ‘knock’ only (no echo) – we need not to identify.
What is creating damage is the inner vibration, the echo of the blow and not the blow itself. It I lacking the ability to do harm. It is us who supply the Trojan horse (identification) that allows the blow to turn into an inner echo (personal involvement).
This choosing ability is a female (Ying) choice, and it is different from the male (Yang) choice, this one is connected to startup, to initiate, to ignite, to be in effort, to push, to give something – power. Whereas the female choice is to be able to refrain, to stay cool and uninvolved; not to give to anything – power.
The male freedom of choice is moving in the space of the external game, whereas the female freedom of choice is moving in the space of the inner game.
The external game is between man and the environment, the internal game is between the person and himself.
Our culture encourages the male freedom of choice, and hardly encourages the female freedom of choice. And so, in our cutler it is easier for a man to actualize possibilities of choice that it is for women.
Part three- state two, the expression of emotions outside.
We have seen in state A that the danger which is lurking for a man who is not ‘operating’ an emotional management – is to be trapped in personal involvement. In state B the danger is the speeding and the heating up of the emotions.
In state A the person needs not to identify with his response to the negative stimuli, in its journey inside, and to let it die from lack of nourishment.
In the western culture there is no encouragement for the expression of emotions or for admitting that you are influenced by them and that in your evaluations and decisions there is no room for emotions. And this is from a dim understanding of something right: not to let the emotions sweep the person into their whirlpool, but this is by a wrong and extreme translation of the correct understanding.
The wrong translation is the execution of emotional repression, when at the same time correct translation is to modify and restrain the extreme expression of emotion (without repression).
Above the surface – both; also repression and modification, could be perceived as the same; but this is on the surface, inside, in the inner life – the difference could be great indeed.
Indeed the cultural address of the emotions has a right, yet, blurred feeling about the end product, which is: having control over the emotions, not to let them go wild, rave beyond a certain boundary. But the mistake is not in the knowing how the final appearance of the emotions should look like, but what is the road inside that leads there.
The western culture, and especially its higher ranks and statues, senses that raving and over excitem.ent of the emotions – disturb and flatness the workings of the brain and the mind. And it is true by principle, but there is no existing knowledge and a knowhow as to how to execute it, and in the absence of this we fake it, put a mask of no emotions – on, and inside the emotions is keep being repressed.
When talked about poles (like the emotional poles – in here, but also any two opposite poles on the same level – nerve, sexual, and mental) – the problem is: how to come to the right balance so that the two poles (negative and positive) would work together (and not against each other). Always the easy and worst solution is to let one pole (usually, the positive pole) full operative freedom, on the account of the other pole. Instead of dynamic synergy – giving dominance to the positive, male, Yang – pole on the account of the other (Ying pole).
Every attempt to develop people above the level of averageness, from one hand, and the attempt to cause a meeting between him and his inner life, from the other hand – must decrease the over activity and dominance of the positive pole, and this in order to allow a better work of the opposite (Ying) pole.
But instead of modifying the positive pole we repress and crush the negative, Ying – pole.
Two things contribute to the wrong imbalance in the emotions; 1. Over dominance of the positive pole, and 2. Annihilation and crushing of the negative female pole. When, In fact, a reversal of polarities should happen; the negative pole should be more charged, while the positive pole must be much less dominant.
But the over dominance of the positive pole (mainly, through the expression of negative (unpleasant emotions) and the suppression of the negative pole – bring about a mentality which is: rigid, dry, flat and lacking vitality and intuition, and the soul becomes locked and with no ability to communicate.
But, there is no need to erase any expression of negative (unpleasant) emotions, such as: disappointment, hostility, anger, grievance and the like – but only to modify and restrain their volume and extremes. The reason for why we tend (basically- males) to erase any expression of extreme emotion more easily than modifying it – is simply because it is much more difficult to modify an extreme than to erase it completely; The passage from one extreme to the other – is easier than the passage from one end – to the middle, because for that we need sensitivity, awareness, attention and an ability for inner control.
Erasing and repressing of the emotions is by 100%, while restraint and modification of the emotions – is only decreasing the 100% to 30% expression.
The emotions are in a state of chaos most of the time; every negative stimuli is entering in and (by identification) could put the person in and in an emotional crisis (personal involvement). This is from the outside in. and from the inside out – any negative emotion that is expressed outside in a maximum volume – causes a destructive heating of the emotional system. This two is surfacing into the mental system a kind of emotional steam the causes fog in it, and from the other hand – it locks the inner being in a protective dunging.
And now to deepening and widening of those concepts, and in order to do that there are two models: A. the three stages on the way to dynamic. And B, the golden ratio.
Part four, the three stages on the way to dynamic:
Here is the place to expose an important concept in the context of emotional management. The name of the concept is: dynamic. When there is no dynamic – nothing happens and when there is – everything happens, for good or for bad, depending which dynamic it is: positive (good) or negative (bad) – dynamic.
Any dynamic is evolving in 3 stages:
- Discrete or manual – separate distinct unites; physical stage.
- Groups, or mechanical – happens in leaps, in intervals; magnetic stage.
- A flow, or dynamic – automatic, happens by itself, feeds itself, a continuous and ongoing process; electrical stage.
In stage A. (Discrete) there are unites which accumulate – slowly.
In stage B. (groups) there no unites, now, only groups (this is faster than stage 1).
In stage C. (flow) the groups join into one continuous movement. A dynamic stage.
An example: in the process of emotional hurt, stage A is getting hurt, stage B. is the identification and stage C. is personal involvement.
Another example: a couple; first stage is disagreement, second stage is taking it personally, and the third (dynamic) stage is emotional argument (full of blames and being hurt).
In both states; negative emotions are out and negative stimuli in – both are not good for the higher parts in us, they poison our emotions, slowly but surely. A person who wants to prevent the third negative stage (dynamic) must stop the negative process at the first stage; Discrete, for this is the awareness stage (before it moves on to the third state and thus became completely unconscious), and here (at the first stage) there is still control.
The second stage (mechanics) is already in a semi-conscious level, here the person begins to lose the knowing as to what is going on him. The last stage is out of our control completely, and because it is unconscious (and thus not felt or registered by the person) – the person is not aware that the negative emotion (such as: hurt, being blamed, attacked, etc.) is continues to spin and get stronger and so bring about most damage (this is only about negative dynamic, for in positive dynamic it is exactly the opposite; it brings about the most benefit).
A man that wishes to manage his emotions must stop any negative dynamic at the first stage; discrete, meaning: before it gets into inertia and thus becomes semi-conscious and then – unconscious.
The problem about the entering of a negative stimuli is that we cannot block it because we do not have an immune system…
In state A. when a negative stimuli threatens to enter the emotional system, the desired response should be to block it before it enters into the second – ‘group’ stage. When referring to ‘immune system’ of the emotions – practically it refers to methods of guided imagery, (one of them is imagining a wall between the negative stimuli and the emotions. And there are more technics).
In state B. when an expression of a negative emotions is loud, extreme and hot, the person has to get out of the picture and cease to give it power, and then it will not pass into the second stage (groups) and will remain in the unharmful state A. (and then it will evaporate by itself in a short while).
But why it is so difficult to stop the process in the interval between state A. and state B. – well the answer, again, is: identification. It acts as a catalyst for the separate unites in stage A. that will be speeded up into the ‘groups’ stage and then the inertia is so strong – that it reaches the dynamic stage very quickly, and then it moves by itself in a perpetual mobile, not much could be done at this stage.
Stopping the destructive process in the interval between stage A. and stage B- means stopping it in one third of the way, and when the ‘thirds’ subject (or the 30%) comes into the picture – we arrive at the ‘Golden ratio'[iii].
Part five, the ‘Golden Ratio’:
Stopping a process at one third of the way is obeying an ancient principle; the Golden Ration, or the golden rectangle:
It is also called: the golden mean or golden section, other names include: medial section, divine proportion, divine section, golden proportion, golden cut, and golden number.
It is simply a proportion which divides the body, or space, or a process –into two unequal parts; one part is one third and the other is two thirds.
Scholars and researchers found out that the Golden ratio appears in many nature phenomenon. It could be seen when looking at the number of petals in a rose bush; it was found out that the proportion between the arrangements of the petals in the outer line – is in a Golden ratio to the line which is before.
If we look at a sunflower we can see that the seeds are arranged in a circular structure which is arranged in a Golden ratio.
When looking at the spiral structure of a nautilus shell –
we can find the Golden ratio between one spiral to another.
There are paintings in which the painters use dimensions which remind the Golden ratio, for example: “the sacrament of the last supper” – by Salvador Dali; the ratio of the dimensions of Dali’s Sacrament of the Last Supper is equal to the golden ratio.
Also in music there is a claim, that musical sound that soundes more harmonious to the human ear – create musical intervals that has the Golden ratio.
This ratio could be found in ancient buildings such as the Parthenon.
This spiral (representing the Golden ratio) appears in many fields: Geometry, Botanic, in the formation of crystals, in the arrangement of the leaves around the stem, in the location of the seeds in an apple, in a pinecone, in deer horns.
A use of a Golden rectangle is architecture could be found in the U.N. building in N.Y. the proportion between its height (152 meters) and its widest (95 meters), this is a proportion of 1.621 which is very close to the Golden proportion.
The golden division is only one of three possible divisions:
- Dominant division.
- Static division.
- Dynamic division.
- The dominant division: this is when one side has got more than 70% and the other side has got less than 30%. The greater are the gaps between the two – so one side will be more dominant and the other side is dominated), the weak side is being ‘swallowed’ by the strong side. (But the dominant side wants to ‘swallow’ completely the weak side, and so we are left with only one triangle instead of two).
- The static division: this is being combined by two equal halves, one is blocking the other, and we have here a status quo. This equation is demonstrated by the seal of Solomon (David’s shield, in Hebrew). This is a ‘cold war’, or: passive aggressive.
C. A dynamic division: here we have exactly the division of 2/3rd and 1/3rd – this is a situation of dynamic synergy. The smaller side allows the greater side to flow but not to take over. This is the situation in a dialogue and a conversational flow. Ideally, the person who speaks gets 2/3rd s and the other person is listening, so he is active only by one third. And, ideally, when the transmitter finished to talk – he passes it to the listener and then they reverse in the proportions. The symbol for the dynamic phase is the Pentagram (which is in the middle of every apple.
We can see in the symbol above that the ratio between the blue lines and the red lines is equal to the Gold ratio (the blue portion is having 2/3rd from the length of the red portion. It is also the case between the blue and the green and between the green and the purple.
The problem with us is that we cannot hold the stick at both ends, in a dynamic proportion of one third and two thirds, only in the static proportion (50% and 50%) which is a deadlock, or when the larger side ‘swallows’ the smaller side. And when he is in the golden ratio – a gate is open to the next level.
Only in the interval between the discrete level and the groups level – can the negative process be turns into a positive one.
To conclude:
The Golden ratio in a management of negative emotions says that the person should stop the negative process at the first third of the way and then he can turn it to a positive spiral, a growing spiral.
In this chapter – the Golden ratio was mentioned by various examples, but it is most important is how it appears in the human system; the wish should be that the human system will be open for a flow, to dynamic, to energy which should pass through all levels. The 2/3rd s should be Ying, female, by nature, and the 1/3rd should be male (Yang), for if the two thirds are male orientated – the flow is topped.
On the planet and in the human complex – the law is a female law, everything flows, so the 2/3rd s should always be feminine. The male aspect – pushes forward, and female aspect is in reception and support. Allowances and the giving of space – are feminine. What exists usually is that male aspect, reaching 90% of the process, (while the female aspect is only in by 10% only, and then there is no flow, all flow is blocked).
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Chapter 5 – Emotions, the great parasite.
It is difficult to grasp; but emotions could be the parasite that comes instead of life, they are the greatest robbers of the life of a person.
As with all Parasites, the emotions feed off their hosts–energy in this case. As they feed, they grow. The parasite of the emotions grow and gain strength over time and influence and even, in extreme cases, almost take over.
The forces and energies of life should come and go through us. We should let life come to, and through, us – but we are too full with our emotions.
We should present emptiness to those energies of life. But our emotions took over this emptiness, and whatever comes into us get blocked and ‘eaten’ by our emotions.
We believe that receiving our experiences through the emotions – is real living. But we confuse between the energies of life (Gurdjieff calls them: impressions) and the energies of the emotions. You either process life or your emotions.
They are a kind of parasite, because they robe our experiences on their way into to us. This experiences are not meant to get to our emotions, but to our being and inner core.
The first rule for a spiritual seeker is to overcome the dominance of our emotions that has overgrown their original size.
This parasite is like an Intestinal worms, also known as parasitic worms, that eats the food of the person, this parasitic worm[iii] is appearing in one of the books of the Essenes:
THE GOSPEL OF THE ESSENES .C.W.DANIEL CO. 1976. Page-116.
In this chapter it is being told that very sick people came to Jesus. One person who was suffering intensely, and was fasting for 40 days begged to be healed, Jesus put in front of his mouth sour goats milk, because of the fast and the smell of the sour milk – the starved intestine worm came out (Jesus called him: the devil), and so the man got reed of this worm.
This is an analogy for the place of the emotions in one’s life. They ‘eat’ the impression foods, while the owner is starved for fresh impressions. When people talk to each other – they actually talk to the parasite of thier emotions.
Part two:
On a high level the person has got rich and powerful life going through him, freely, without the emotions consuming it.
Having negative or positive emotions – are secondary to the forces of life moving through him.
We should elevate above the glass ceiling of our raw emotions.
For a person living through his being and not through his emotions, there is a presence, something that does not come from the emotions but from deep within, and without, and so it is powerful.
His life is so full that they create around him lots of happenings. As much as he is a recipient of forces and energies – he is creating happenings around him.
This is happening for him without him being in an effort.
His life is a great happening, stemming from his depth.
When he meets other people it is difficult for the people he meets- to ‘put the finger’ on what it is about him which is different, for he does not touch their emotions, but something deeper in them; their soul (which most of them are not in contact with).
A person who is connected to his life does not work from his emotions. Most people are doing emotional manipulations one upon the other, they are playing emotional games, fulfill emotional roles; the policeman, the prisoner, the aggressor and so on.
More about emotional games people play, in the book: Berne, Eric (1964). Games People Play – The Basic Hand Book of Transactional Analysis. New York: Ballantine Books.
Emotions and education. Chapter 6 –
Preface:
The world is divided to people, cultures and schools – that give more emotional freedom to a person, and there are those which restraint the emotion. The question of how much freedom should the emotions get, remained always. For example, the academia, high status officials, churches and religious establishments -were tending to depress and repress the emotions, whereas as the avant-garde artists, the Hippies, and the continent of Africa and the Middle East – gave it more freedom.
Part one – emotional dominance In self-education:
This division about the attitude towards freedom in the expression of emotions – is finding a place in the conflict between old and young generations; the young gives much freedom to his emotions, while their parents would like them to give less freedom to their emotions. An expression for it we can find in Can Stevens song; “Father and son”. From “tea for the tillerman”.
Lyrics:
Father:
- It’s not time to make a change.
- Just relax, take it easy
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy
I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy
To be calm when you’ve found something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Why, think of everything you’ve got
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.
- Son:
- – How can I try to explain?
‘Cause when I do he turns away again
It’s always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go.
Father:
It’s not time to make a change
Just sit down, take it slowly
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to go through
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy.
Son:
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it
If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them they know not me
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go.
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Yusuf Islam
Father & Son lyrics © BMG Rights Management.
There is no doubt that this society of ours is for emotional repression, it could be seen, again, on high status officials and high ranked executives – who wear the social masks of having hardly any emotions. And emotional males will get criticism if their emotions are expressed freely. (With it -man are allowed to express hard emotions – more than woman). It is interesting to note that the prohibition of expressing emotions freely – serves the ruling regime, for in the lack of emotional freedom – the controlling classes – are safe.
We are too busy hiding our emotions, rather than exposing them.
Family and friends were supposed to be a kind of Ghetto, or nature reserves for our repressed emotions, but usually the repression is so deep, that if they do find an expression there, it comes out either in the overflow of being in love, or in the form of anger eruption.
But what about individuals? Well, there are people who are more expressive emotionally (extroverts), and others who are more reserved (introverts) and are contained in their emotional expression.
The main deciding factor in this is: genetics, but not only; psychologically, the presence and role in educating children is in the hands of the parents; in this it is being speculated that if the father is dominant in the education, than the children will tend to be reserved emotionally, and if it is the mother – they would be more open and expressive in their emotions. If the influence of one of them is too dominant, than the tendency of the child might be more to the extreme.
One way or the other – dominance is very bad in education (for it doesn’t allow the child to find his own inner voice).
Without giving the child breathing space for getting lost and making mistakes – there is no possibility for the potential – to grow. The dominance of one of the parents does not allow a breathing space. Dominance from one of them will get the child get stuck in one of the extremes of actualizing his potential.
The emotionally mature person is situated in ‘the middle way‘[iii], and from there he is in control of the two emotional extremes, he puts boundaries, from one hand he doesn’t impose them, from the other hand – he doesn’t allow a wilds irruption of the emotions.
In order to grow emotionally – one needs to have the approach of assertive emotionality.
Part two, being emotionally infantile or mature – in children education:
Let’s take a situation of refusal from a woman – to a man that wants her, the infantile emotionally will get into deep personal involvement, while the emotionally mature will restrict his frustration (not identify), and will say: ok, and move on.
Here is the place to emphasize that emotional maturity is not a matter of decision, it is not depended on us; it is a process.
The emotionally mature person has a clear and definite feeling that: ‘no one owns me anything’. The ego is no longer in the center, and then the opposite poles (too much freedom, and from the other hand: repression) don’t pull towards the extremities. And then the emotion could be channeled to a desired goal.
The moment an emotional hysteria happens – the emotionally mature puts a barrier between him and the trigger and tries to stops the process. Whereas the emotionally infantile feel that the damage was already done and so, they don’t mind destroying everything, but the truth is that the real damage happens when it manages to enter in (till the stage of personal involvement). The emotionally mature succeeds in restraining his identification. The neutralizing of the emotional blow should be done after the first stage (the hurt) and before the identification stage, otherwise it is too late, for it will sink into P.I.
The emotionally mature is always on guard, ready for the next emotional attack; ‘The architect technique'[iii]. Whereas, the emotionally infantile, who denies the possibility of becoming hurt again, is getting into a shock each time he is being hurt by someone, and the shock, by itself, is causing great damage.
It is interesting that the subject of emotional maturity is not taught in schools and even Universities, and in the absence of such education, the person remains at the emotional age of 5 or 6 (approximately), we have, in school, sexual education, mental education, but emotional education – is left out, it is true that some years ago the subject of emotional intelligence was discovered, but it is not the same as the process of maturing the emotions.
To be emotionally mature is to live with the knowing that if you would allow yourself more wilds emotions, this ‘ivy’ will strangle all the beautiful plants (soul potential). With this ‘ivy’ being present in one’s emotional system – one could not be creative and not have good evolving relationships with people, and most definatly – will not be able to reach a spiritual level within oneself, because any small emotional deterioration will crush those high dimensions.
The uncontrolled reactions of the emotions is a clear sign of emotional infancy, the way to deal with it is by being a father and mother to oneself, that means to let the father that you have internalized in yourself – say to them: ’till here’, no more, putting boundaries to the emotions. And the motherly influence will cause self-acceptance and love for the little lost inner child. There is no maturing of the emotions without this two influences.
The emotionally mature doesn’t give such a great place to emotional hurt, he doesn’t put (like a kid) his emotions in the center. He knows that no one owes him anything.
Until we will grow emotionally, we would live believing that other owe us consideration to our vulnerable emotions, until we get reed of this notion – we will not mature emotionally.
The easiness with which we are thrown into personal involvement is an indication of our true emotional age.
One of the main tools for becoming emotionally mature is restraint, but it is not to depress and repress; In restraint you limit the wildness of the emotions, but in repressing and depressing them – you wipe them out, crush them, and this is not less terrible. (It could be observed in some old people who are flat and infantile emotionally, both at the same time).
Gabriel
Gabriel Raam
